Bedtime reminiscences

post by Kaj_Sotala · 2021-02-19T11:50:05.271Z · LW · GW · 6 comments

Things that I imagine would be cool to do with my kids (if I manage to have some): taking bedtime as a moment to reminisce about the day together.

Recalling enjoyable moments is by itself enjoyable. So ask, what parts of the day did you like? What were some good moments? What about it was enjoyable?

At first, it’ll be just me mentioning things I noticed on that day: “You seemed to really like playing with those toys today.” “You looked happy being with uncle X.”

Hopefully soon the kids will notice that this is enjoyable and start paying more conscious attention to the good moments throughout the day – and start bringing up things on their own. (And feel like that was their own idea to also contribute, rather than it just being their dad telling them these things.)

Later, start also covering the moments when they were unhappy or upset. Are they feeling okay now, anything about it that they still want or need to discuss? Even if they’re fine now, make sure to take those moments and reframe them in an explicitly accepting light (all emotions are fine, including negative ones):

Then maybe recall some happy moments that we discussed when it was bedtime on earlier days, and which they might have forgotten otherwise. Keep those unhappy moments firmly sandwiched between good ones.

Also tell them about all the moments today when they made me and mom happy and how we love them. Then a bedtime story and wishing good night.

Hopefully the conversations should keep getting more sophisticated as the kids get older. Get into topics like the value of negative emotions, and what unmet need their unhappiness in that moment was a signal of. Help them brainstorm ways they could meet that need better from now on.

Then one day when they’re adults, hopefully they’ll be so firmly in the habit of going through the good moments and the lessons-in-the-bad-moments that they won’t need me for it anymore, and it has just become automatic.

And if it hasn’t, that’s cool too. At least we had lots of good moments together doing it.

(Or if this whole thing always just seems uninteresting and dumb to them, then we’ll just have to come up with something completely different that they’ll like more.)

6 comments

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comment by Dave Orr (dave-orr) · 2021-02-19T14:23:00.182Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

One thing we did when the kids were small was called rose/bud/thorn. Each of us says something good that happened that day (the rose), something bad (the thorn), and something we were looking forward to (the bud). Sort of a starter gratitude journaling exercise.

No idea if it did anything useful, of course. Parenting is like that.

comment by Viliam · 2021-02-20T00:01:21.379Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

No idea if it did anything useful, of course. Parenting is like that.

Hahaha, the best description of being a parent!

You do X. Later, Y happens. You will never know whether X caused Y.

Sometimes I wonder how many other things are like that. For example, school.

comment by Gunnar_Zarncke · 2021-02-19T21:10:13.422Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

I like the spirit of the ritual but it feels a bit overloaded. The question you might want to ask yourself: Will you (or you, the reader) be disappointed in yourself if you do not manage to live up to this ideal or if your kids don't like it or it doesn't work out for other reasons? 

Related: Keep Your Identity Small

comment by Kaj_Sotala · 2021-02-19T22:15:20.599Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

Probably not, this feels like the type of thing where I get lots of ideas easily and if one doesn't work out then that's fine, I'll just come up with half a dozen more. :)

comment by Gunnar_Zarncke · 2021-02-19T23:40:01.238Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

Ah yes. And the kids also come up with two dozen more. I have a set of diaries full of those. That's actually the more interesting part of parenting. Discovering together how human development actually works.

comment by Gunnar_Zarncke · 2021-02-19T23:40:56.324Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

Ah yes. And the kids also come up with two dozen more. I have a set of diaries full of those. That's actually the more interesting part of parenting. Discovering together how human development actually works.