Comment by theycarriedthesky (richard-park) on Habitual Productivity · 2024-08-21T04:17:55.605Z · LW · GW

man, I'm a decade late but this stirred a lot of thoughts.

I'm a nursing student. I've got big dreams. Spend a couple years in critical care, transition into a APRN role (larger scope of practice like NP).

Unfortunately, it is only after acquiring experience on the floor recently that I realize I likely have undiagnosed ADHD. Very poor impulse control and working memory. You might ask me to run a simple task at patient room 451 and 489. If I don't write that down on a note, there's a good chance I forget or I am constantly repeating those numbers in my mind. Even writing this out makes me feel miserable. Why do I continue to dream about becoming a competent clinician when I know I might just not be smart enough? It's a tough pill to swallow.

On productive activity: I use self guilt because it's so effective and nothing else works. Other measures like uninstalling video games or media apps don't work; I'm used to logging back in every time. Depriving my environment of entertainment - or boredom - is ineffective as I just end up napping or struggle to pay attention to the task anyway and proceed inefficiently.

I can't give up on this dream. It's strange - it's like I believe I can become a great provider, but I also subconsciously believe I'm too stupid owing to various life experiences. I can't even cross multiply fractions in my head to solve a variable - I have to write it down or it's probable I'll screw up.

I plan on studying this specific Anki deck for the USMLE Step 1 after graduation while I work shifts at the hospital. Thousands upon thousands of cards. If I'm not inherently smart enough, I'll just brute force it. There's no other choice - if a person still desires a career they are clearly not disposed towards, then they better work themselves off just to keep up with the laziest neurotypical person (and no, the Step 1 is not required for APRN candidates but I'm kind of self-imposing a test on myself to see if I've got what it takes). This is the circumstance given to me; to maybe accomplish my desire, I'll just have to suffer a lot harder.

Sorry. This feels like a pointless rant more than anything. I'm just tossing a word salad into the void.