Internal Race Conditions

post by SquirrelInHell · 2016-10-23T13:23:29.286Z · LW · GW · Legacy · 5 comments

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comment by [deleted] · 2016-10-23T14:30:36.348Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

Sorry, can't see why situation III is so bad. I generally like the fact that I like spending time with my husband. On the other hand, I can almost imagine the 'and then zombie apocalypse happened and she had to bash his head in with the frying pan' end of story. What exactly did you have in mind?

Replies from: Brillyant
comment by Brillyant · 2016-10-24T13:34:35.669Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

when I spend time with you, I like you more --> when I like you more, I want to continue our relationship --> when we have a relationship, I spend more time with you

The potential badness of this loop makes a lot of sense to me.

Growing familiarity can, and often does, lead to growing affection. This doesn't necessarily have anything to do with long term compatibility. So, you can be in a 'hang out with --> like --> hang out with more --> like more' loop with someone with whom a long term happy relationship would be improbable.

Attachment can grow with affection, thus...problems someday when conflicts over longer term values, etc. surface.

I think this is a common failure model for relationships.

Replies from: None
comment by [deleted] · 2016-10-24T16:20:50.110Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

Yes, that was one reason why I changed my supervisor after graduating. Great guy, nothing untoward in his behaviour, but there was just SO MUCH of him...

Replies from: Brillyant
comment by Brillyant · 2016-10-24T17:05:09.298Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

I'm not sure this is the same thing I'm saying.

I think people—even well matched people—can become fatigued of one another given a lot of exposure over time. Like, too much of a good thing...

But there is a separate phenomenon I've noticed in dating relationships where you become fond of someone merely from familiarity (even after just a few dates), even if you recognize you don't share certain core values...or even if there isn't anything like an overwhelming attraction. And if more familiarity tends to breed more fondness + physical/emotional intimacy, then you can become fairly attached to someone with which a long term relationship won't work.

Colloquially, this is often called "settling". :)

comment by MrMind · 2016-10-24T09:22:11.595Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

II doesn't seem the way it works emotionally: it presupposes an awareness of the future developement of one's feelings that is not really there. People make emotional decisions based on fast heuristics and the present moment, mostly.