Caerulea-Lawrence's Shortform

Some reflection around the question I posted some days ago: "Is there something fundamentally wrong with the Universe?" [LW · GW]. I'm still not sure if it helped that much in changing things with regard to writing something I care about, but it still feels like some things have landed a bit more.

The different sides to an issue are usually interconnected, to me, just one of many. Some might be much harder to acknowledge and understand, but they are all valid, to a degree.  What I dislike is usually that different sides do not communicate effectively, efficiently or at all. 

At the same time there is also quite the difference in complexity between many issues. Like they are part of the same circle, or floor so to speak. Many times when I observe disconnection here, either in myself, in others or elsewhere, I might notice that the reason is that the issues are not on the same floor. Not to say that they are less important, but they might include less conscious thought, or come from much more simple parts of the brain, programming or an earlier time in life. 

Reading the comments, I see a lot of hope for the future, but only one that added in the flip side of the argument. Like a secret that one shouldn't talk about. As a general rule I do not like that - but I also have to acknowledge that my own wish for cooperative and effective communication, usually means that I tend to simplify and abstract issues to make them fit a window where they are in some kind of balance. 

I did see things similarly at one point in time, and it even took me some years to change it. It wasn't an easy change, not at all. It has taken intense amounts of effort, as I feared feeling what I found out is massive amounts of nostalgia.

Why do I have to grow like this? Why do I constantly seek out the most complex, integrated view of life and living? 
Of course I can rationalize and argue for it in hindsight, but I have really tried my damndest to make things work with a simpler outlook on life. Maybe the reason it didn't work was simply because I tried too hard. To push things to their 'natural' conclusions usually just means breaking them into a myriad of pieces.

I crave Interconnected depth where I acknowledge my limitations and face the unknown unhindered. It is what is truly valuable to me, and what is at the center of value to me.
The few times I have come close to something interesting, people want to stop. It's too much, it's too intense or it's too painful. Fine, I get it. I have my limitations too. Let's work on overcoming them.. Hey, where are you going? Hey!... Well, maybe there is someone else beside me and my partner, somewhere, that find what people usually call deep 'completely superficial' - What deep people like to call deep 'Casual' and what the shadow workers call deep 'Every day life'. And that have gone steps beyond that, and have notice how difficult it is to really progress further without others at the same level. 
Should I even care about this? Well, other's can care about what they care about, and moreover, there are so many more people that 'take care of' things on their depths than here. Leave us alone.
And so, yeah, I would like to have meaningful, deep conversations, but there are degrees to things. Levels of commitment and depth, varying ability in discernment. 

Is there something fundamentally wrong with the Universe? If there is, it is way beyond my league. I just know that I want a Universe that is Conscious and with which I can have a mutual, reciprocal connection. And this one seems unable to, and I don't want to help create some kind of Golden Cow.

Even though this line of thinking is still young, and occupies a small portion of my mind - it has become an important node. A small, but important stone that forces a lot of water in a specific direction. 

It seems that getting what I am longing for and wishing for the Universe to change, are misaligned on a fundamental level. Which is scary. Maybe I could just work on becoming more content. Focus on my health, cleaning, eating, chopping some wood - love, care, compassion and exploration... But it seems the issue isn't really with the Universe per se - It is a fundamental issue in me, and what I want.

I want the relationship to be reciprocal. To be mutual. To not live in some dead Universe that just floats around, but a living and conscious one, that actually welcomes us. And since we technically aren't in a relationship, I don't really consider it cheating to look for someone else whilst still living here. 

So far, it's tough luck. 
 

God, why isn't there an app for things like this... sigh

For a while I've been thinking about writing a continuation to the "Is there something fundamentally wrong with the Universe?" question. I've read through the answers, and it isn't that hard to build upon them and further investigate the issue. But something is seriously holding me back, and I'm not quite confident I know perfectly what it is. 

Part of it is that I don't see the comments as that challenging to refute, in many ways. There are loopholes, contradictions and incoherence. At the same time, I don't know the answer either. 

The obvious problem with saying that something is fundamentally flawed, is that on a physical level I am also fundamentally flawed. For all I know, the answer might be right there, under my nose, and I have no way of seeing it, till I either stumble across it and find a way to "discover" it, or someone points it out to me, and helps me in my pursuit of understanding it. 

So what is the question I want an answer to? To me, I guess I see this question more as a multifaceted puzzle, a long-term source of joy, entertainment and contentment in my life. A meaning-giving activity, on the high-end of what gives my life purpose and interest. 
And as such, I want good stimuli, to find someone to really challenge me, someone who wants to delve into this with me, and for whom I can be the same source of entertainment. 

I am writing in the hopes of finding someone who sees in the question a source of long-term entertainment and meaning-making. Not so much the questions themselves, but the complexities that arise from interacting, challenging and delving into them holistically, wholeheartedly and passionately, and try to answer them within ourselves, and within a social context.

I don't have many qualms writing, but I choose not to. Is it arrogance, dispassion, self-devaluing, or a mixture of all of them and more? If I were to give the feeling words, it says something like "I don't want to waste words. - Direct my hand to those that want to hold it tightly, and not just try holding everyone that comes my way." 
But how do I do that? How would the people who would derive optimal joy from having me in their life, and me from them, know about me, without me telling them? Is it time to become a believer in "the law of attraction" or serendipity? 

As an intuitive person, I know that some things are a sign of a bigger issue. Some feelings are safe to ignore, move past, challenge or transform. But not this one. This one needs "an answer" - a concrete action, that is different from what I have been doing so far. 

Which is confusing - because I don't know how to achieve it. Is there a way to just pierce the fourth wall somehow, and be "Hey, you, yes you, want to hang for a lifetime?" *Googling fourth wall piercer, DIY*

Wishing myself luck on this one.

For a while I've been wanting to write about something I care about. The complex, gritty, but also highly valuable and interesting journey of introspection, getting to know new sides of myself, and to increase the threshold for and the communicative limit for my Cognitive Functions.

My trouble is that I always seem to get stuck at trying to neatly fold everything together, when in my daily life, it is the interwoven interconnectedness that Is the essence of the process and my life. The different 'modes' of being are wreathed together, and usually led by the one I'm most comfortable with. Like a leaf might look an evenly distributed green from a distance, it is only when you get closer, that the subtleties and nuances crop up.

I like the subtleties a lot, as getting to know the voices in me that I listen to less/are unaware of, also gives me a lot of insight into how these "funtions" (People/Person from hereon forth) are actually influencing the whole system (Tribe from now on), but in ways that might be a bit asynchronous to how a more developed and articulate Person would formulate and go about it.

To give an example:  I have the understanding that I have a Person in me that sees themselves as fully Isolated, Alone and any relationship as Cold. This Person has an outlook on life and living that is very, very different from the overall conscious understanding of Life, the World and Living I am used to. 
Still, by listening and giving this Person the necessary time and effort to grow, I noticed that it can talk to other, more developed People in my inner Tribe - and to my surprise, the complexity and profound ideas that arise from those interactions are very precious and valuable to me. 

One such insight relates to a certain notion that the Universe, Earth and everything feels/is dead/offline. This isn't something I am prone to notice, as there is Life all around. But it pertains to a certain sense of incongruity, I guess based on what kind of Data this Person has collected throughout the years - and how another Person in me, with more skill and fluency, can collect, interpret and compile this Data to more clear messages.

To go from a conscious being that mainly would deal in different perspectives, and a relativistic tone (Well, that is one way to see it), more and more I notice a wholly different Person in me. A Person with beliefs that are in the "Should" category, and that can't be dismissed the way I am used to. It is wrong - because it is wrong. 

However, it isn't really the person to ask if I want to fix things. It is the Person to ask things like: Would you want to leave existence in this Universe in its totality? Is there something like a spiritual/energetical realm? What is the colour of Loneliness? What emotions do you feel towards the world, humanity, living, the planet and your own life? 
Or that expresses cold malice in questions like: Why can't I talk to the Universe? Why can't I talk to the Earth? Why aren't stones alive? Why isn't everything alive, conscious, and in a mutual dance to connect and make things reciprocally better? Why does doing what is good not change my body? Why does my body feel like it is borrowed? Why is this place so hostile towards my consciousness?

Still, it is only a start, an early and still limited understanding of what lies there, and what the values and understandings are that this Person brings to the table. And, it isn't like I can just keep listening, as many of the inputs this Person adds, are fundamentally opposed or highly reactive to many other People - and so it is a process that needs to happen gradually, with a lot of integration, soothing, translating and growth in other People, to make it not turn into a full blown unbalance that might create small/big abberations that terrorize either myself or others.