• 1:04 -- "So some big reflections and changes and things that I am bringing in to this new experience are: one, to not talk about it all the time, and also to talk about it when I want to talk about it, balancing that whole, you know, 'being authentic and sharing and talking about things that are interesting' and also 'not being the person to always bring the conversation back to the same thing and proselytizing about it.' I also really have changed my tune about how I feel about 'the whole world going vegan' -- no. Veganism is not the answer the answer. The answer is ending factory farming and moving back towards an agricultural society where we grow a lot of things, and people focus on local. Local matters way more than vegan in terms of environmental sustainability. Absolutely, people need to be eating mostly plants -- I -- I, at this point really truly can say that I believe that there are people whose bodies function 'better' with some animal products, because who's this body to say what that body means? Not I."
• 2:36 -- "So it's funny to take a step back and think about where I was a year ago. To think about how I shared and talked about my lifestyle choices with other people -- and again, thank you so much, Emily and Beth. Thank you for loving me, even on the days that literally all I talked about was veganism. It's exhausting. It's exhausting. It's true, I think, you know, converts are the strongest believers. And, I was a convert I was a, you know, 'vegans are totally crazy', and then got totally converted, and, and then wanted to just preach and proselytize to everyone. Which, clearly I still do to some capacity. I'm just refining how I want to discuss it, and refining the ways in which I share about it, and having a lot more fun laughing at myself for being so dogmatic and soo rigid and so, like -- Honestly, I think it's that, there's all these issues in the world -- wouldn't it be great if there was just one solution? Wouldn't it be great if it was just, you know, 'everyone go vegan and that's going to solve everything?' So I think for a lot of people, myself included, you find something that seems like it could be that solution, it's really exciting to then pursue it, or to want the whole world to pursue it. And it's taken some time, and I'm sure it will continue to evolve, to see that it is not a black and white sort of thing. What vegans have right is ending factory farming. That's absolutely a part of what will help environmental sustainability..."
• 5:38 -- "And I...want to share this perspective...share it publicly -- with Beth and Emily, who were there for me when I was, 'blinder'ed' -- which was a word, or at least I'm making it one now -- and I was like, 'this is exactly how things are and everyone needs to go vegan. Duh!' No! So not the answer. So not the answer. Ending factory farming, though - people, please, please look into where you get your food. Please. Okay, see, like, I still hold on to some-- {cuts herself off} well {turns her head quickly to the side} maybe it's just that the dogma's, like, shifted, you know? I've, I've gone from being having one dogma to another, although I feel like this one is much more well-rounded in terms of, even people I know who love to debunk veganism will also still create a tending factory farming is a crucial part of keeping this planet here for at least one more generation."

• 0:22 -- "I spent the majority of my life subsisting on beige foods. I mostly peanut butter and cheese and eggs and bread and tortillas and pasta and rice and potatoes. And for the next two decades of my life, I get to say that I ate mostly beige foods. So I definitely have a -- I want to say 'wealth', and also I'm like, well, you know, what's two decades -- I have some experience with food aversions, and with being fearful about eating colorful foods, and I would like to share some tips of things that really helped me to overcome my issues. For me, it was about, for everyone, it's about control. We all want to control things, we all control different things. And when I was really little, I realized I could control what I ate. And it's been a journey for me, in shifting that towards having that be health-promoting as opposed to just an outlet for anxiety and depression and needing to control things. So, what is it that you use as an outlet for your control? And maybe it's food, or maybe it is food for one of your loved ones, and that's why you clicked on this video. Like everything, it is a mind game. Food is absolutely a mind game. And then it absolutely becomes physical. So, if you're someone who's like, 'oh I think about eating X food and I literally gag, like my body has a physical reaction', I hear you, because I've had that, and I know that it's real. I know that your body is really feeling it. And I'm here to tell you that you have the ability to change that. That it can change. You are not, you are not stuck forever in fearing broccoli, {looks down over her shoulder to the side, as if addressing:} little Annie. You're not. You'll love it one day. So, here you go, 5 tips. Tip number one is to involve yourself in the food prep. So, literally, I -- just, get your hands on the food that you want to eat. Even if you are uninterested in eating it, find a friend who you can roast some carrots and sweet potatoes for, or steam some broccoli, or make soup, or whatever it is. Find a friend who's making those things for themselves, and ask to have dinner with them, or hang out with them while they make dinner. Literally do anything you can to just surround yourself with these foods that you're scared of, instead of having it in your head as this big-deal thing, or this {gestures} whatever. Bring it into your day-to-day existence. Make it for someone else. Like literally just touch -- go to the grocery store and touch broccoli, like just put your hand on it. For me that was huge, in being less scared of these things, was, was just to surround myself with them and to continually surround myself with them. And with that being said, to shift my perspective from this very fear-based {brings hands to chest} ~mnneehhh~ about it {again, it is hard for me to compress everything into text here, I once again recommend watching the YouTube videos themselves}, about it, to feeling curious, and being like 'Hmm, you know where was that grown?' or 'What would that be like?' or 'What does that feel like? or 'Why am I so picky?' And, as much as you can -- and it is absolutely a process -- let go of the fear and the judgement about all of it, and shift your perspective towards being curious, and do your best to stay open to knowing that things change all the time, and that you can absolutely change your eating habits. So, tip number two for overcoming your food aversions, is blending. If you are similar in your food aversions to me -- I know there as many different food versions as there are people -- for me, it was texture. Tastes were less of an issue than textures. I was anti-chunk. There were not allowed to be any chunks in anything {moves hands around, ending with palms splayed (again, it is hard for me to compress everything in the video into text -- I recommend watching the YouTube videos themselves)} ever. No chunks. So, smoothies were great! I was totally fearful of eating whole pieces of fruit, and yet smoothies I would drink. So, if that's you, have a smoothie every day! You're still doing great! You're having fruit! You can put spinach in there, you can put in kale, even -- blends up more than you may think it does -- can be a really nice way to add and other things you might not normally consume, and make it all just one homogeneous texture that you will enjoy, {and} not have to have that, like, 'What texture is gonna hit my mouth?' Because, you know, that was what it was for me, at least. It's like, 'Okay, it's all gonna be the same texture.' {It} was like, knowing what to expect -- {I} could really get into all the psychology of it, which is interesting... -- Soups, also, you can make all-one-consistency, and just, butternut squash is a great one to have be really smooth. There's...a blender, food processor, really is a worthwhile investment, in my opinion. If you are someone who maybe wouldn't eat foods just boiled on the stove and made enough stew, but if you blend them up into a soup, then you will eat it. Do that! Get a blender! It really it makes a big difference. And sauces can make a really big difference in making a meal the more exciting. Sauces can also be a good way to again, like, incorporate things that maybe you wouldn't eat. So if you'll eat pasta and red sauce, maybe add some vegetables and blend that in to the red sauce, and then pour it over your pasta, or make some sauce to pour over potatoes, or things you're already eating. Which brings me to {tip} number three, which is to incorporate the new foods with foods you're comfortable with! So if you'll eat pasta, if you'll eat a baked potato, see how you can incorporate just a little bit of new foods with these foods that you have an A-okay relationship with, and that your body trusts and knows what to expect from. That was really helpful for me as well. Like, you know, make a soup and dip bread in it, or have coupons on your salad, or whatever it is. I definitely got caught in like, 'Oh I need to love broccoli now!' And remember that it's a transition, like these these things will come. So give yourself credit for where you are, and just keep on keeping on. Number {4} -- the next one -- okay, with that one also, I have written down, this was helpful for me, was like, shredded carrots and oatmeal or in muffins or bread or things, again, like, taking foods that you will eat, and finding ways to incorporate some of these new foods into them. Super helpful. Super helpful. Now number four is to branch out slowly with similar foods that you will eat. So like, if you're someone who's eating potatoes, maybe eat a sweet potato, or butternut squash. Know that it's kind of a spectrum, or at least for me it was a spectrum of food aversions. Like all the Brassica, broccoli, brussels sprouts, and those things, were way scarier been sweet potatoes were. So if you're open-minded to eating sweet potatoes, then do that! And eat those! And continue to eat those every day. And even potatoes - these are health foods! So eat...whole foods as often as you can get yourself to eat them. And if they are potatoes, and you want eat potatoes every day, here's one person on the internet telling you to eat potatoes every day, and to keep going, and to keep progressing on the path, and know that more vegetables, and more produce and less of that constricted feeling, or that true physical response to like, 'Oh no, my body does not want that', that will dissipate. It really can. I'm here to say that {pause} 'You too can love broccoli!' And I would've laughed hard at me for saying that -- I mean, part of me knew it was gonna happen one day, and part of me was like, 'There's no way! I'll never eat this!' And here I am, talking to my phone about, looking at my computer. So my last tip, number five, tip five, to overcome your food aversion, is to make these new foods similar to foods you're already eating. So back to potatoes, if you'll eat potato fries, like fried-fried, or, you know, making the home-fry version, maybe do that with some other vegetables, and roast them up, or red zucchini. You can like, {rinse (?)} zucchini in a little bit of water, and then breading, and bake those off, and those can be kinda similar to potato oven-fries, but they're different food, and then it's just slowly, for me, retraining your brain about how you think about these things. And letting go of the fear of it, and being like 'Oh, I ate X food, and I actually enjoyed it! Oh, there was cauliflower blended in that sauce, and my body did not reject it, and I'm still here, and in fact it tasted pretty good!' Because maybe you made it just a little bit of cauliflower, and some nutritional yeast and nuts, and you poured that over potatoes, and it was delightful, and then you're like 'Oh cauliflower is, cauliflower is not that bad, huh?' So, that was my five tips. I really think it comes down to exposure therapy and patience, which, the patience part was big for me. And I will say, my experience -- once it happened, it really, it really escalated. Once, once a couple of new foods came into my life and I started shifting how I thought about it, it really, things really picked up super quickly, and so maybe they will for you too. Just keep on keeping the foods around you, keeping them -- stay curious, just trying new things, and just, just keep on keepin' on, and trust that your body will eventually ask for the nutrients it needs, because I really become more and more of a believer in our bodies being smarter than our heads. And your body will ask for what it wants. Your body will tell you what nutrition it needs. Your job is to slow down, and quiet, quiet down, and listen, and hear what it {your body} wants, and respect that. So why do I care so much about food? Lots of reasons, separate video. Obviously, we, we die first without air, and without sleep, and without water, and so food is not the end-all be-all of our health and our existence. However, food is definitely in the top five, and food is quite literally what our cells metabolize to create new cells, and to keep going, and so the whole 'You are what you eat' is some real shit, friends. It's very real. And for me, I will end with saying that, of all the benefits -- and obviously there are so many benefits of all the things we can do to take care of ourselves, food especially -- mental health was the biggest thing. So physically, yeah, I feel so much better eating less processed stuff. Mentally though -- that's what's kept me doing what I'm doing. So I hope something here helped you, {or} resonated with you; I hope you can pass this along to someone who might need it, or take something of value. I would love to hear more of your tips, or your experiences, because food is such a journey for all of us. Which I say sarcastically, and I mean very seriously, so thanks for listening to some things I learned along my journey, and thanks for being you."

• From the caption on the YouTube video:
  • "How do you like to remember that nothing is that big a deal? (So yes everything is a big deal so yes you're "allowed" to be "dramatic" sometimes... just wanting us all to be mindful of how we're spending our emotional energy.)"
• From the YouTube itself:
  • 0:27 --

  • 

  • 1:05 -- "Sometimes, though, it can be nice to have a reminder to chill out, to have someone's -- I mean, it's no fun to hear in those moments, because it's right, when someone tells you to chill out. So maybe you needed to hear that. I definitely like to tell myself that on the regular. You know, you could make a joke out of it, instead of beating yourself up, and being angry. You can laugh about how not-chill you're being, because sometimes that is hilarious. And by 'sometimes', I mean 'all the time.' You're gonna laugh about it anyways, so why not laugh about it today? Thanks for stopping by, here on this youtube link, clickin' on the video. Maybe go put your legs up the wall, and go stretch, and dance, and do something to help you relax, and enjoy life. Thank you for being here. Thanks for being you."

• From the comments section of the YouTube video:
  • @LearnWithBahman -- "So many people are concern about future, in some sense, it is true to look at it this way. We don`t know about past and future since we think (it may not be true) that we start to feel and to comprehend life after our birth, so it is more logical that look for some questions our after death.We mainly don`t like to die, so why it happens and what it will happen on that. This is looking at time as a past - present and future perspective. I think (have some reasons for that too) that we are from future, humanity or advance species get bored, so what they do? they start what I call game of life, Imagine we all look for a different kind of life as a life catalogue and eat a pill or go to a machine to experience this life, when we born , we don`t know it , when we die , we go to that society and try to find some interesting life again, so next time maybe person like me try to choose to live in Europian renaissance or I already did it so try so other timeline or another life style. I think looking at time as a linear way may not be the way our universe works. Anyway, I am crazy. In the sense of universe existence, past is more interesting, we can predict (or at least we think we can) when our world and our universe ends."
    • @AnnieAltman -- ""We mainly don't like to die" 😂thank you for the chuckle and insightful reflections! Reminds me of Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse Five" and being "unstuck in time" ... time for me to reread! “All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist.""

• 0:00 -- "Okay, so you're sitting there, wherever 'there' is, and you're overcome with this feeling of not knowing what to do. Because the biggest thing that none of us want to admit is that we don't know what we want most of the time, and figuring that out is most of what we spend our time doing. Okay, so, generally, for me, this comes down to two things: I'm either feeling like there's so much to do that I don't know where to begin, or I feel like there's literally nothing that is worth doing that I want to do...So the advice that I give to myself in these scenarios is if I'm feeling like I have to do all the things and they all have to happen at once, and there's just so much to do, do whatever is the most time-sensitive...and when I'm feeling uninterested in doing anything, and nothing really sounds, like, that great to do, and I'm just sort of like, 'I don't want to do it because, like, why do anything?', as opposed to like 'I don't know what to do, I need to do everything!', when I'm uninterested in doing things, my advice to myself is to do whatever is the most exciting first. So, literally whatever I will do, to go and do that. And as I do this video journaling shin-dig, I'm realizing that there's a lot of emphasis here on doing. I'm reflecting on my own whatever's, and that balance between being a human being and being a human doing, and you know on the one hand just sitting around all day and 'being', you don't do anything, but {on the other hand} just popping around doing things all day, then you don't really 'be'. So, that's a separate conversation. Looking at little notes of things I wanted to write -- so, clearly, okay, I made this video because I've had that feeling of like, 'Oh, I'm kind of uninterested in doing things, like, did all my, you know, chore and personal health things this morning, and now I'm like, you know, 'what do I want to do?' So this was exciting, to start filming. I received a really nice comment from someone on my last YouTube video, that was over a month ago, and I was like, 'Oh, it's been -- it's been a few minutes.' And so, intention versus action is definitely a thing, which also is knowing-what-we-want thing. That consistency between those things, or the consistency versus spontaneity of life. So, you know, I'm consistently me in videos, and spontaneously making and posting them. And, what else could I add to make this even more of a ramble. I don't know. I don't know why I enjoy the rambles. Maybe because I enjoy watching them, or 'cause -- and/or 'cause -- I enjoy just, like, getting it out, and having things not be so planned and outlined all the time. I mean, I'm doing that in other forms of things, so to have this be just, this {pauses, gestures with her hands} open platform {pauses, looks to the side} is really nice. And {pauses} yeah, I guess I'm learning, as in these four minutes here of me talking to my phone outside, that when you don't know what to do, just do something, or just realize that you're already doing something, like just in sitting and thinking about a decision, or talking about it with someone, you're already doing something. You're already -- this life thing is just always happening. Okay. Hopefully this was sufficiently weird. Hopefully gave you something to to 'nom on, to marinate. Got some good stretching in. Lots of love, thanks for being you."

• Annie writes, "My Dad {Jerry} died in May 2018, and access to his Will was withheld from me by my mother {Connie} and three older siblings {Sam, Jack, Max} for an entire year." [AA24b]

• From [BB24a]:
  • Ellen Huet: "When their dad passed away in 2018, Annie remembers that Sam dictated to each of his younger siblings how many minutes they could talk at the funeral.
  • Annie Altman: "To be at your dad's funeral, to be like, oh, I'm the oldest sibling, so I get to choose how long all the sibling -- which, it is bizarre, and there's a level of it that's so hilarious and so benign, surface-level, classic older sibling bullshit where it's like, 'all right, older sibling wanting to make up the rules to the game.'" Like there's a level of it that's very light and funny -- and there's also a level of it that's very dark and deeply unsettling, of how does that behavior come up in other places if you believe that you get to be the authority on something that you are not the authority on."
    Ellen Huet: "A spokeswoman for OpenAI told us that Sam recalls these incidents differently, but she declined to elaborate."

• Note on how I determined the bounds of "[when Jerry died on May 25, 2018]" and "[the end of the day on May 27, 2018]":
  • In the speech that Annie gave at her father's funeral on May 28, 2018, Annie wrote:
    • "Also Jack last night {which would have been the night of May 27, 2018}, “I can just keep talking if you want me to write your speech, just keep it really meta, you can have my five minutes, it’ll be great.” Sam, I may really need Jack’s minutes here as when I read this out loud it was about 8 minutes — I’ll do my best to talk a little faster."
  • For Jack to have referenced Sam's 5 minute restriction on the funeral speeches on the night of May 27, 2018, Sam must have imposed the restriction on the night of May 27, 2018 or earlier.
  • Thus, we can bound the point at which Sam told his siblings to keep their funeral speeches to 5 minutes or less between [when Jerry died on May 25, 2018] and [the end of the day on May 27, 2018].

• In [EW23a], Elizabeth Weil writes,
  • "At the funeral, Annie told me, Sam allotted each of the four Altman children five minutes to speak. She used hers to rank her family members in terms of emotional expressivity. She put Sam, along with her mother, at the bottom."
• Quotes from Annie's speech [AA18a]:
  • "Read at Central Reform Congregation on May 28, 2018:"
  • "My dad trusted my intuition more than I ever have. He often reminded me of the strength of my mind-body connection, a concept I am both extremely passionate about and skilled at underestimating. He created and held space for all of my feelings, and those of you who have talked to me ever know that I have more than a few of those all of the time."
  • "Sam said we could each talk for about five minutes, less if possible to not make you lovely people sit here all day, and Jack correctly pointed out how I will definitely be using all five of my minutes."
  • "You may know that I come from a family that loves to rank things in order to make meaning of them. I love that too, and I also love talking about feelings, as someone who has so many of them. This led me to make a list about a year ago ranking my immediate family in terms of emotional expressivity, from most to least. Obviously I take “first place” on this list, which is probably part of why I wanted to make it. Next comes my dad, then Max, then Jack, and then Sam and mom alternate what would be first place if this list went from minimal to Annie levels of emotional expression. As I typed this out last night, Jack immediately questioned my list and checked in with Julia, his wife, for her opinion. (She agreed with my list, for the record.) It led to an interesting discussion on how different people express different emotions, which my dad knows is, along with family movie night, pretty much all I’ve ever wanted from my family. Also Jack last night, “I can just keep talking if you want me to write your speech, just keep it really meta, you can have my five minutes, it’ll be great.” Sam, I may really need Jack’s minutes here as when I read this out loud it was about 8 minutes — I’ll do my best to talk a little faster."
  • "My dad and I were always very close, talking about all the feels, all the music, and all the athletic activities. I fondly remember us sharing boxes of chocolates when I was little, and by share I mean I would bite each chocolate in half, happily devour it if its insides were cream or more chocolate, and promptly stick it back together and give it my dad if its insides were fruity or coconut. My dad’s memory of this story was that he was the one getting the “good” deal — he honestly believed he was the luckier one, sitting there eating spit-covered chocolate."
  • "We grew even closer in the past few years, as he was my #1 supporter and confidant in all my choices and adventures, most recently in moving to the Big Island of Hawaii, teaching yoga knowing full well it is not a “career” one can “support themselves” with, and even choosing to live in a car for a few months (re: there is little money in yoga and also Annie goes into extreme minimal hippie phase). He was characteristically 1000% supportive of my current creative endeavor of writing a book called “The Humanual,” about how no one knows how to human and also there are reoccurring themes in the humaning thing. He even began to say things like I did along the lines of, “this would be perfect for this part of The Humanual.”"
  • "My dad came out to visit me in February {2018}, when I finally moved into a non-mobile home. He was one month into “Seaganism,” as he brilliantly termed the concept of eating a vegan diet with the addition of seafood. He made the shift with the new year, after patiently sitting with me through my angry vegan phase, welcoming in my phase of being anti-factory farming rather than anti-animal consumption, and listening as I did my best to clumsily describe how the people I was the most annoying towards about eating a more plant based diet were the ones I loved the most. During his visit I pointed out several places friends of mine like with local seafood, and instead he decided to just share food with me the whole time. We made smoothie bowls, tofu scramble, and pancakes, we went out for Thai food, veggie sandwiches, and chili and we split everything. He was so excited to learn to prepare new foods and when he got back to St. Louis I received almost daily texts with pictures of the meals he was making for himself. From his visit onwards he was eating fully plant based, with the exception of consuming whey powder and other forms of dairy accidentally. My brothers are convinced that he changed his diet to be closer to me, much like his interest in rowing and involvement with the St. Louis Rowing Club, and I know they are right."
  • "I FaceTimed with my dad on Thursday {May 24, 2018}, pausing in the middle to call grandma and wish her the happy birthday I had forgotten and my dad reminded me of, both laughing about me avoiding grandma’s black list just in time. When we said goodbye he held up a horizontal peace sign to the camera and I laughed saying something about what a perfect sign off that was."
  • "Grief shows how much love there was to lose, reminding me of the quote that, “You can never love someone as much as you can miss them.” He is no longer physically here and I miss him already. I do not get another in person conversation with him, a video chat or phone call, a deep talk about life while we stretch with our legs up the wall. There is no one I want to dissect which part of The Humanual this whole situation is supposed to be, along with all my feelings about it, more than my dad."
  • "In January {2018} my dad sent me a text, part of which read, “And just for clarification, I don’t just support your lifestyle now or your physical and emotional endeavors now; I support your life. I will always support your life. These are aspects of your life, so I support those too. And there is not a “now”, as Yoda might say. There is only life, for as long as that may be.”"
  • "My dad was active, with people, and doing what he loved, I had said up until his last day before my mom correctly clarified it as “his last hour.”"
  • "I will keep him alive through me, through the genes and memories of his I am lucky enough to hold on to. I will do my best to see the good in people and give them the benefit of the doubt, to remember that my only “job” in life is to be happy, and to works towards trusting myself and my intuition half as much as you believed in me. I will allow myself to express all my emotions as openly as I choose, especially the ones that involve hugging our loved ones often and reminding them how much they are loved. I love you more than all the words I’ve ever said, will say, and could say. Thank you for being my dad; a true legend by the Babe standards, a testament to the power of love and community, and the only person who would have genuinely encouraged this speech to be even longer if that was what I wanted. I will always be a daddy’s girl and specifically yours."

• C.f. [AA18b] for more details. It seems that Jerry's death may have been what triggered, or intensified, Annie's gradual process of recalling her repressed memories.

• I found the legal case relating to Jerry (full name: Jerold Donald Altman)'s death on the official Missouri courts government website that seem to corroborate this:
  • https://www.courts.mo.gov/cnet/cases/newHeader.do?inputVO.caseNumber=18SL-PR01960&inputVO.courtId=CT21
  • https://www.courts.mo.gov/cnet/cases/newHeader.do?inputVO.caseNumber=18SL-PR01960&inputVO.courtId=CT21#header

From the caption of the YouTube video:

• Lyrics:
  Bitches ain’t shit… it is time for a redo of that song
• Fuck bois ain’t shit
• Fuck bois ain’t shit but grown men throwing fits
  Denying all their feelings and still expecting you to suck dick 
  They imply “get the fuck out” after they’re done
  With no comments, questions, concerns about if you’ve also had fun
• I used to think fuck bois were sort of alright
  Used to roll around with them at all hours of the night
  Justified their behavior from all of their “plight” 
  Empathized with their self-consciousness until I saw the light
• Being mean is shit, you’re not deep, go call your mom
  Having a nice body doesn’t mean that I’m turned on
• Just because you’ve slept with lots of women before
  Doesn’t mean that in bed you’re not a bore
• And he was coming onto me with that forced aloof “HEY LOOK AT ME!”
  Stroking on my ego not seeing the light on his insecurities  
• And in the end what he said meant nothing
  Because what’s talking if the shit you’re saying ain’t shit
• Fuck bois can’t hang with the... the fall of the white colonial patriarchy, they’ve spent generations defining themselves based off of “others” and now that those “others” are changing it seems to me like fucks bois are faced with an identity crisis
• I once was told I had a “string ray punnai” 
  And you’re probably like, “and you still slept with him, Annie??”
• I’m just a human too and most people get horny
  I was young and fell in love it’s all “part of the journey”?
• My roommates kept reminding me that he wasn’t any good
  Had to learn from my own hurt, had to reaccept the use of “shoulds”
• I thought I learned my lesson, was done with sad scared man boys 
  Oops
  Got duped a few more times
• Each a reflection of my own insides
  A way to see my own truths from my own lies
  Each a releasing of my own needs to please
  Women have been taught just to look pretty always to appease
  All of us taught appearance matters most and to accrue
  Times are changing, strength of the feminine is here for you
  She says “let go”
  You’re loved and worthy
  There is nothing you need to prove
• What to do with all this information
  I know the hippies say, “it’s all about appreciation”
• Gratitude’s swell and I also want change
  I seek connection where I’m not left feeling deranged
• That’s called “gaslighting” … you’re being an asshole 
  And if you’re waiting for me to fake an orgasm for you… keep waiting
• Okay, I acknowledge using the term “fuck boi” is pretty rude and it’s definitely hypocritical of me…
• Fuck bois show the pit of our societal emotional shit
  A reminder that at times we all feel like misfits
  They run away as soon as they’re done
  Then grow their hair out and adopt the man bun
• I used to take these interactions personally
  Then saw that I was “the issue,” the common denominator was me
  Took time to realize my own proclivities 
  See I was inadvertently calling in my own insecurities
• Loved and accepted them and poof their spell is done
  Okay hippies with this whole “self love” you’ve clearly “won”
• One day I see a world of authentic relationships
  People filled with enough love to let go of these guilt trips
• We’re all hanging onto shame believing it’s just a thing we do
  Drinking, smoking, sexing just to forget for a minute or two
  And in the end what we avoid does nothing because eventually we all have to face our own shit
• Fuck bois you can grow and transform
  We’re all allowed to cry
  I know this is a lot to absorb
  And I know you’ve been taught you’re not allowed to express your emotions and that is unfair and it’s probably the root cause of the issue here it just still doesn’t make reverse sexism, or any reverse isms, a thing
• Fuck bois please answer this call
  Fuck bois you know your reign must fall
  Fuck bois you can learn and evolve
  Fuck bois you can one day be absolved
• And I promise I’ll stop calling you fuck bois as soon as you stop acting like fuck bois, though you probably already turned this song off. Shoutout to reddit/theredpill
• Love and legs up the wall,
  Annie

From section 473.033. Notice of letters — duty of clerk — publication — form. of Chapter 473 Probate Code -- Administration of Decedents' Estates of the Revised Statues of Missouri (bolding is my own):

"The clerk, as soon as letters testamentary or of administration are issued, shall case to be published in some newspaper a notice of the appointment of the personal representative, in which shall be included a notice to creditors of the decedent to file their claims in the court or be forever barred.  The notice shall be published once a week for four consecutive weeks. The clerk shall send a copy of the notice by ordinary mail to each heir and devisee whose name and address are shown on the application for letters or other records of the court, but any heir or devisee may waive notice to such person by filing a waiver in writing.  The personal representative may, but is not required to, send a copy of the notice by ordinary mail or personal service to any creditor of the decedent whose claim has not been paid, allowed or disallowed as provided in section 473.403.  Proof of publication of notice under this section and proof of mailing of notice shall be filed not later than ten days after completion of the publication."

In my (amateur) understanding, this means that Annie, being one of Jerry's heirs, should have received a notice, by mail, of the appointment of the personal representative (her mother Connie Gibstine) in July 2018?

But it seems to me that Annie didn't learn of her father's will until late 2019?

• From the caption of the YouTube video:
  • This is the first song I learned on ukulele! 10/10 recommend singing your feelings.
• Lyrics (the song is How Far I'll Go by Auli'i Cravalho):
  • I've been staring at the edge of the water
    Long as I can remember
    Never really knowing why
    I wish I could be the perfect daughter
    But I come back to the water no matter how hard I try
    Every turn I take, every trail I track
    Every path I make, every road leads back
    To the place I know where I cannot go
    Where I long to be
    See the line where the sky meets the sea?
    It calls me
    And no one knows how far it goes
    If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
    One day I'll know
    If I go, there's just no telling how far I'll go
    I know everybody on this island seems so happy on this island
    Everything is by design
    I know everybody on this island has a role on this island
    So maybe I can roll with mine
    I can lead with pride, I can make us strong
    I'll be satisfied if I play along
    But the voice inside sings a different song
    What is wrong with me?
    See the light as it shines on the sea?
    It's blinding
    But no one knows how deep it goes
    And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me
    And let me know
    What's beyond that line, will I cross that line?
    See the line where the sky meets the sea?
    It calls me
    And no one knows how far it goes
    If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
    One day I'll know how far I'll go

• The image above is from 0:24 in the video. I've annotated Annie's ukelele in red.
• I note this here because it corroborates (or, at least, seems consistent with) Annie's claim (as reported in [EW23a]) that Annie had a ukelele in 2018, and played a song for Sam and some of his friends at their house (as I noted in this Timeline.)
• This is the first of the videos on Annie's YouTube channel in which Annie's ukelele is mentioned (in the title, at least.) (See image below)

  • 

• From the caption of the YouTube video:
  • "This is from two months ago"
• From the YouTube video itself:
  • 0:09 -- "Here's some video journaling for myself! I've been thinking a lot about the difference between processing something on our own, and thinking and feeling about it, and then how we express that to others, or to ourselves on the camera. And when we explain something to someone, we're sort of doing our best to explain this...we're attempting to give this whole truly inexplicable context of things about how we came to those thoughts and feelings. Because no one's ever gonna know. No one is with us 24/7, besides ourselves. So when we talk to other people, and we express something that we've been thinking about, and dealing with, and whatever, in our processing, they have very little context...their context is just their own experience and whatever process of whatever they're dealing with and processing, and not knowing the context for it. Like someone potentially watching me talk about this has no idea -- and that's okay -- about all of the background thoughts and feelings that have led to me, in this moment, turning on my phone camera, while strolling, to video journal. And that's fine. And this will be received however someone will receive it. And they'll think and feel on it however they're going to. I feel like as an anxious over-explainer, I've spent a lot of time really wanting to force other people to get exactly where I'm coming from, and be like, you know, to be seen and heard and understood, like I have to have people know all the context of these thoughts that I'm thinking, and how I got to them. And that shit's just unrealistic. And also part of the fun, dare I say, in life, is all of the unknowns, and is the fact that everyone's perspective is so different, and that we can't know other people's whatever, that we are also biased by our own perspective and that that's okay. Rather than running from our egos, to get a little hippy-rambley, just embracing -- the same as embracing whatever feelings come up -- embracing that we're human with an ego and with a biased perspective."
  • 4:03 -- "Someone having an ego -- and maybe the stronger that ego is -- can lead people -- and I've totally fell into this too -- to be like, 'Oh, I know someone else's answers.' Like, 'I can, I can tell someone else what their life is going to be like, or what they should be doing,' or any of that sort of, sort of the stuff. Which, as I ramble that out loud, is probably a way to avoid our own ego and dealing with figuring out our answers to things."
  • 9:16 -- "And then circling back once more, to, how do we get across things that we're thinking about a lot in our head in a way that is digestible and accessible to someone else who's not sitting with us all the time and has no idea of the context of all these things that we're thinking of because, while these things all seem, like, connected to me, I can only guess that, to someone else, well maybe they seem loosely connected, like they don't seem all on the same theme as much, like maybe you're like 'Oh this is all interesting, but you're all over the place Annie', and that's totally valid...Maybe you are 'cause you're thinking similar things. So look, maybe you're like, 'Oh my god these are so many things I've been thinking about, and blah blah blah' -- I have no idea, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Regardless, it was some good, therapeutic video journaling. Thanks for watching, thanks for being you!"

• "For context: Connie (biological mother) kicked me off her health insurance less than three months after Dad died, when I was 24 and could have stayed on her work one for two more years" [AA24h]

• The general idea (to me) is that Annie starts to process/realize that a panic attack is not her earliest memory. c.f. 2 bullet points below.

• Reading [AA18b] in its entirety makes the connections a bit more clear here. The piece basically details Annie's gradual process, from the time of her Dad's death in May 2018, to the date of [AA18b]'s publication on November 8, 2018,  of remembering/realizing that a panic attack is not her earliest memory. {Presumably, her earliest memory is her memory of being (sexually) abused by Sam, but it takes Annie a bit to fully process this memory, because it's so traumatic, and her brain repressed the memory as a defense mechanism when she was 4 years old.}
• To me, if you read through Annie's writings in chronological order, they do seem consistent with the hypothesis that Annie, over time, gradually recalled her memories of Sam's sexual abuse, which her mind (as a trauma response) had repressed earlier in her life. (Though, of course, there are other possible explanations.)
  • E.g. here is a sample of Annie's writings, in which you can see how her writing changes over the course of nearly 6 years.
    • 11-08-2018: "Reclaiming my memories" [AA18b]
    • 02-21-2019: "Period lost, period found" [AA19b]
    • 03-06-2019: "18 reasons I spent 18 years criticizing my appearance" [AA19c]
    • 09-22-2020: "An open letter to relatives" [AA20a]
    • 06-07-2021: "An Open Letter To The EMDR Trauma Therapist Who Fired Me For Doing Sex Work" [AA21c]
    • 11-22-2023: "“How We Do Anything Is How We Do Everything”" [AA23m]
    • 03-27-2024: "How I Started Escorting" [AA24b]

• "Two months ago I met with Joe K, the owner of Urban Exhale Hot Yoga, to discuss the podcast episode we were going to record together. (I have since recorded podcasts with four other teachers at the studio and am completely unsure how to express my gratitude to Joe — honestly perhaps less words about it?) While I would be the one asking Joe questions on the podcast, he had an important question for me. With all the casual profundity of a yoga teacher, Joe asked, “what is your earliest memory?”
• "Without pause for an inhale I responded, “probably a panic attack.” I feel like Joe did his best asana poker face, based on projecting my own insecurities and/or the hyper-vigilant observance that comes with anxiety."
• "I began having panic attacks at a young age. I felt the impending doom of death before I had any concept of death. (Do I really have any concept of death now, though? Does anyone??) I define panic attacks as feeling “too alive,” like diving off the deep end into awareness of existence without any proper scuba gear or knowledge of free diving. Panic attacks, I’ve learned, come like an ambulance flashing lights and blaring a siren indicating that my mind and my body are… experiencing a missed connection in terms of communication — they’re refusing to listen to each other. More accurately: my mind is disregarding the messages from my body, convinced she can think her way through feelings, and so my body goes into panic mode like she’s on strike."
• "I went to a sound bath at the yoga studio about a month ago, the second sound bath I’ve ever attended. (I cried at both and if you know me you know that I am happy about things that help me cry.) Sound baths are a guided meditation where you lay in corpse pose and receive sounds of specific frequencies, allowing vibrations to “wash” over and through you. Some shit is bound to surface in the tides."
• "My dad died five months ago now, and to say I’ve learned a lot is an enormous understatement. I was and am a “daddy’s girl.” The most recent panic attack, and perhaps darkest one I’ve experienced, happened the week he died. My dad was one of the most genuinely positive people I’ve ever come across. He had an incredible capacity to continually focus on the light, the good, what was “right” in any situation. I felt his presence during parts of the sound bath — a concept past me would have rolled her eyes about."
• "Laying in bed later that night, Joe’s question popped back into my consciousness with a kind “please make your way into child’s pose.” I realized I had deceived myself (classic humaning) with my response to his question, “what is your earliest memory?”
• "Joe, and whoever is reading, I would like to formally change my answer. I am also without an exact answer. I am non-sarcastically “trusting the process” to potentially receive one. I know that a panic attack is not my answer, and my ego likes to remind itself that knowing what is not my truth leads me at least somewhat closer to said truth.""
• "I can reflect on and connect with feelings of panic and still have space to choose a positive perspective. Searching for ways to cope with existence has lead me to yoga, dance, singing, ukulele, cooking, baking, writing… to asking all the questions I know to ask so that I can open myself up to knowing just how many more questions life has to offer. Without panic attacks, I may have lived my whole life without starting a YouTube channel, a podcast, or this blog."
• "Emotions come and go, so it keeps seeming. Emotions and memory are directly linked, re: the amygdala. I have little to no control over my emotional response; I do have control over my reaction and subsequent actions."
• "I write my own history. Though TBD on the first memory of that history. Here’s to exploring."

• "The podcast episode that three of these immediate biological relatives came on before those happenings, and refuse to post about, was originally supposed to be about “projecting” and instead became about “feedback."" [AA20b]
• Again: as I understand it, at this point in time, Annie still has not yet fully remembered the abuse she experienced Sam (and her other brothers) during her childhood. This is why she is ok with doing this podcast episode with Sam and her other brothers.

• "I started taking birth control pills at the age of 15 (I’m currently 25) and decided to stop taking them right before my 23rd birthday {~2017}. Also around this same time {~2017} I finished tapering off of Zoloft, which I started taking at age 13 {~2007} to help with symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety, and Depression. Also also around this time {~2017} I drastically altered my diet...I promptly lost my period and learned that changes relating to diet, hormonal birth control, and psychiatric medications are three of the main factors that can disrupt hormonal balance (stress being the baseline factor)."
• "I’m experiencing a second puberty, or maybe an aftershock of sorts from first puberty and/or a year without my period. It feels like a hormonal “do-over” filled with moments of deja-vu: three new crushes in one week, intense crying and laughter in the same hour, and generally going about my day acting like I’m far less confused by all this internal “shifting” than I’m actually feeling. Plus days that feel exceptionally “average” leaving me extra confused about how dramatic life felt the day before. I’m fortunate to have received a liberal education and even so there were inevitable gaps in the information I was given, and open to receiving, about puberty."
• "I majored in Biopsychology in college, with a minor in dance, and took all the prerequisite courses for medical school. Then I noped out of the pre-med route to focus on movement, writing, comedy, music, and food. I got certified as a yoga teacher, worked for an online CSA (community-supported agriculture) company, began writing more frequently, started slowly going to open mic nights and putting videos on YouTube, and began a podcast and this blog. I’m learning to give myself space to explore what genuinely excites me without justification and I’ve felt levels of self-consciousness around my career swerve that I had not experienced since first puberty. HOW will I get my intellectual ego stroked without constant science classes? How can art really have no “right” answer? Am I really the only one who can validate how my feelings feel??"
• "It’s been almost a year now since I got my period back and I feel I’ve been going through a sort of spiritual and scientific second puberty, to continue the soap operatics. A year extra filled with learning about my body’s cycle(s) and signals. Witnessing my hormones re-regulate has felt parallel to to self-soothing, not that I consciously remember learning that, and my first time with “my moon.” I started eating eggs again, including runny yolks for the first time, and ate fish for the first time in my life because my body very literally demanded them. A year without my period, after a decade of having it, felt like equal parts reset and emptiness."
• "I believe a large portion of shame takes root during puberty and then manifests as sexual repression, (sexual) aggression, body dysmorphia, addiction, and/or mood disorders. I can say for certain that has been my experience. Shame encourages ignorance by stifling conversations. Additionally, shame creates a feedback loop where ignorance is shamed and so questions and curiosity are discouraged."

Source: https://x.com/paulg/status/1796107666265108940

From [NYT23a]:

• "He {Sam} also began working on several projects outside the investment firm, including OpenAI, which he founded as a nonprofit in 2015 alongside a group that included Elon Musk. By Mr. Altman’s own admission, YC grew increasingly concerned he was spreading himself too thin."

From [WSJ23b]: 

• "In 2019, Altman was asked to resign from Y Combinator after partners alleged he had put personal projects, including OpenAI, ahead of his duties as president, said people familiar with the matter."
• "Altman turned Y Combinator into an investing powerhouse. While serving as the president, he kept his own venture-capital firm, Hydrazine, which he launched in 2012. He caused tensions after barring other partners at Y Combinator from running their own funds, including the current chief executive, Garry Tan, and Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian. Tan and Ohanian didn’t respond to requests for comment."
• "Altman also expanded Y Combinator through a nonprofit he created called YC Research, which served as an incubator for Altman’s own projects, including OpenAI. From its founding in 2015, YC Research operated without the involvement of the firm’s longtime partners, fueling their concern that Altman was straying too far from running the firm’s core business."
• "By early 2018, Altman was barely present at Y Combinator’s headquarters in Mountain View, Calif., spending more time at OpenAI, at the time a small research nonprofit, according to people familiar with the matter."
• "The increasing amount of time Altman spent at OpenAI riled longtime partners at Y Combinator, who began losing faith in him as a leader. The firm’s leaders asked him to resign, and he left as president in March 2019."
• "Graham said it was his wife’s doing. “If anyone ‘fired’ Sam, it was Jessica, not me,” he said. “But it would be wrong to use the word ‘fired’ because he agreed immediately.”"
• "Jessica Livingston said her husband was correct."
• "To smooth his exit, Altman proposed he move from president to chairman. He pre-emptively published a blog post on the firm’s website announcing the change. But the firm’s partnership had never agreed, and the announcement was later scrubbed from the post."
• "For years, even some of Altman’s closest associates—including Peter Thiel, Altman’s first backer for Hydrazine—didn’t know the circumstances behind Altman’s departure."

• "1. OCD
• 2. Anxiety
• 3. Depression
• 4. A lack of awareness about how a uterus is literally an additional organ inside the abdomen’s of roughly half of all humans
• 5. A belief that a stomach that does not fold when a whole body folds is a body that exists
• 6. A belief that any body’s appearance is fixed its entire lifetime
• 7. A belief that anything in this physical world is fixed, ever
• 8. Media of all forms (especially advertising)
• 9. Equating appearance (and perspectives on appearance) with value
• 10. Equating numerical values with black and white rules, always
• 11. A belief that I could control my body completely with enough will power
• 12. A belief that controlling my body could control my entire life
• 13. A belief that controlling my body could control its inevitable decay (lack of knowledge that fearing death is fearing actually living life)
• 14. Equating control with peace and happiness
• 15. A tendency towards being self-critical
• 16. Ego
• 17. Privilege
• 18. Taking this existence way extra seriously"

• From the caption of the YouTube video:
  • "Learning to love the sound of my own voice is a weird and fun process."

• Annie's illnesses include:
  • PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome)
  • A flare-up of her IBS (Irritable bowel syndrome)
  • Achilles tendinopathy and posterior tibial tendinopathy (aka posterior tibial tendon dysfunction), for which she has to go into a walking boot, for the 3rd time in 8 years.
    • 1st time: Achilles tendinopathy and a bone spur
    • 2nd time: Achilles tendinopathy
    • (this) 3rd time: Achilles tendinopathy and posterior tibial tendinopathy
  • Tonsillitis
  • Sources: [AA24b, AA23k, AA--f, AA--g, AA23m, EW23a]

• From [AA20b], which Annie posted May 19, 2020:
  • "This time a year ago, I gave notice to leave a job I enjoyed because of being in paperwork-process of money left to me from my dad that I was notified of a year after he died. I decided to use this privilege."
  • "I openly shared about my plan to use the next six months to finish writing a script that was and is extremely important to me, to give more time to the podcast and other other projects, and mostly to give myself more time both to grieve..."
  • "...and to manage my physical and emotional health that needed attention."
  • "Despite their already enormous wealth, the rest of my immediate biological relatives choose to use the option they were then given to override my dad’s wishes and withhold the money."

• In [AA23m], Annie writes, "Though separated, my parents were still legally married and so my mother had the “surviving spouse” option to ignore Dad’s wish to make me the primary beneficiary of his 401K."
• In [AA23b], Annie writes, "Aww you’re nervous I’m defending myself? Refusing to die with your secrets, refusing to allow you to harm more people? If only there was little sister with a bed you could uninvited crawl in, or sick 20-something sister you could withhold your dead dad’s money from, to cope."

• "She {Annie} quit her job at a dispensary because she had an injured Achilles tendon that wouldn’t heal and she was in a walking boot for the third time in seven years. She asked Sam and their mother for financial help. They refused. “That was right when I got on the sugar-dating website for the first time,” Annie told me. “I was just at such a loss, in such a state of desperation, such a state of confusion and grief.” Sam had been her favorite brother. He’d read her books at bedtime. He’d taken portraits of her on the monkey bars for a high-school project. She’d felt so understood, loved, and proud. “I was like, Why? Why are these people not helping me when they could at no real cost to themselves?”"" [EW23a]

• Note: Annie seems rather...it's hard to describe -- agitated? high-energy? anxious? on edge? desperate? animated? -- in this video. (Watch the video yourself, and I think you'll see what I'm talking about.)
• Note 2: As I mentioned earlier in this Timeline -- it is hard (or at least, would take quite a long time) for me to note down every change in body language, facial expression, tone, loudness, pace, etc. that Annie displays in these videos (or, e.g., that Sam and Jack display in [YC16a].) I've noted a few in this transcript, but, once again, watching the videos themselves will enable you to see more information than what I've been able to capture solely in text.

• 0:00 -- "Hi! Nice to meet you. My name is Annie Altman, and I'm two years in, and two years overdue, to asking the Internet for help with the HumAnnie. The Annie Altman Show projects are field research for the HumAnnie, an interactive stand-up comedy musical philosophy show about how no one ever fully knows how to be a human being. And my journey to accepting that truth that I enunciated. There's not a point -- it -- you know, I've talked to seven- to seventy-year-old's -- nobody has this point where they're like, 'Oh my gosh, I figured out how to be a human, now I know!' S-so, so, I'm, I'm not gonna keep waiting for that point to happen! 'Cause that's a silly expectation, past Annie. So [laughs] the HumAnnie organizes the human experience -- because organization is my coping mechanism [uplifts palms in a shrugging gesture] -- into 10 'C' themes that all humans seem to encounter at some point, in some way, in their human'ing. So. Here I go. {Holds up 1 finger: } 'Consciousness', {Holds up 2 fingers: } 'Choice', {3 fingers: } 'Change', {4 fingers: } 'Compassion' {5: } 'Communication', {6: } 'Community', {7: } 'Creation', {8: } 'Charge', {9: } 'Curiosity', and {10: } 'Courage'. And these 10 'C' themes are connected by the overarching theme of 'Connection'. The themes exist within 'Connection'. And, the themes can be visualized on the bell curve graph -- [traces a bell curve in the air with her finger] whoooo -- which is a 'C' rotated, or maybe it's a 'C' rotated this way -- I don't know how camera flips things here. Technology is not my strength. [Looks to the side, shakes head, laughs, uplifts palms in a shrugging motion] Yeah. I was on the pre-med route and then I took a hard left towards entertainment. And I brought my passion about mind-body connection along with me to the podcast, to the blog, music, movement, comedy, questions, food projects. [Looks to the side] Wherever I go, there it is! The podcast was originally called 'True Shit.' And while that's still the essence, iTunes doesn't allow even self-censored expletives [pauses] ssssoo, my name isn't a curse word, so, here I am. And today is the podcast's first birthday! Happy birthday podcast! 'Happy birthday to you' -- okay. I am occasionally too extroverted for my own good. And, I'm learning how to use that best, and worst, quality of mine, because I'm a believer that humans' best qualities are usually their worst qualities as well [moves hands together and apart in the air in sliding motions, switching each hand from the forefront to the background (likely to reference 'best vs. worst')]. So maybe duality's not real, and everything's made up! [Shakes hands around head] Wooooo! I believe it's super important, super super super [shakes head, voice rises] super super important to share the themes of the human experience to remind us all that we're all connected. We're way more similar than we are different. Like -- genetically, spiritually, in all of the ways, you -- we're more like than we are different. And our differences have so much to teach us. We're connected, we really are, through our joys, our truths, our challenges [pauses, sighs] and, at the very least, all of this feels very, very important to my personal joys, truths, and challenges, and my actions are the only ones that I have any control over. [Raises hands in air about her head and and waves her hands about] Newsflash, Annie! [Exhales loudly] Huhhh! [Laughs] So, remembering that all humans are humans, the most effective way to minimize human suffering is to maximize resource equity. Hurt people hurt people, and people with access to resources are less likely to harm other people to obtain resources. [Does mind-blown gesture with her hands] Equality is treating everybody the same. And equity is ensuring that everybody has the same baseline to then be treated equally. Maslow's hierarchy of needs reminds us that food, water, and shelter are literal necessities for people to even have the opportunity for 'self-actualization' -- whatever you want to define that as. The HumAnnie shares my journey with more than two mental health labels, and all sorts of disordered tendencies with food, and my body image, and it redirects all of that energy I had placed into making super rigid, controlling rules about food, and all of life -- into, how can we collectively, as humans, distribute resources? Starting with food. And all of life-things. Call it a Jewish stereotype, I care about food a lot. So please -- thank you for watching -- please share this video, please share the website, please share a podcast, please -- [voice rises] share your feelings! And share, what-whatever you can to help me learn that I am allowed to ask for help. Because, oh my gosh, Annie, it's like you're making this whole thing about connection to remind yourself that you're connected. [Inhales and exhales loudly] Art is fun, huh? Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being you. [Pauses] [Laughs]

• Note:
  • The subtext here, I'm guessing, is that this video was not-so-subtly addressed to Sam, Jack, Max, and Connie. It seems likely to me that Annie's "5 ways" are things that she was frustrated with Sam, Connie, Jack, and Max for not doing when working with her on her mental health challenges. (And the phrases "working with" and "mental health challenges" are doing a lot of the lifting here -- they may take on very different meanings depending on what world we're in, e.g. [a world in which Annie's claims are true] vs. [a world in which they are not].) That is, for every "way" or "recommendation" that Annie provides, it seems that Annie may have felt that Sam, Connie, Jack, and Max were not doing that, or were doing the opposite of that.
  • Also relevant here are the events alleged to have occurred just before Annie posted this video on her YouTube channel, i.e., as covered above in this Timeline:
    • Connie, Sam, Jack and Max letting Annie think she'd be receiving money left by her late father, and then
    • Connie withholding that money from Annie only after Annie had quit her job, and then
    • Connie, Sam, Jack, and Max subsequently refusing to provide Annie with financial support.

• 0:40 -- "I'm speaking from my own experience, with different mental health labels, and different tools and things that are helpful, for me, and ways that I feel supported by my loved ones with my mental health...Way number one, to support a loved one's mental health, is to be honest, and to focus on 'I' statements. For me, this creates a feeling of trust, and safety, and of accountability. And, the more that can be fostered, the easier communication feels for me. Number two is to remember and remind them that everyone is responsible for their own feelings, because no one can feel your feelings for you -- that everyone does need to take accountability, responsibility, ownership for their mental health -- their health -- and also we're all connected, and it's okay to feel whatever you're feeling, because it's just a feeling, and it's there to teach you something, to give some sort of information, and resisting and pushing away from it is only going to create more things to come up. Number three is to is to validate someone's efforts at supporting their mental health, and to acknowledge and remind them of the ways that they are doing things to support their mental health, and that you see that, that, that they're doing it. And that validation and acknowledgment, again, for me, is a way to really build trust, that when someone is coming to me with any sort of advice or feedback or reflections about my choices, my life, my anything, that it's coming from a place of really wanting to help me, because they're first acknowledging the ways that I'm doing things to take responsibility and help myself. The fourth way to help support a loved one's mental health is to encourage them to touch base with their mental health practices, so number three...validating the ways that they have practices to help their mental health, to encourage them to touch base for those, and to experiment with new ones, perhaps, or to experiment with deepening the ones that feel good to them and remind them of the tools that they have in place and that there are multiple tools that they have on their tool belt. Again, kinda tied to {number} three, of validating the tools they have, and encourage them to do that, because, to go back up to number two, everyone's responsible for their own feelings, so...you can't walk for someone. The fifth way to support a loved one's mental health, from my experience of, what feels really supportive, is to ask questions, and help them find their answers, rather than, to focus on offering solutions or offering what you believe is the best course of action. To really focus on asking them questions about describing how they're feeling, or where in their body they're feeling it, to be really clear about their intentions with their different mental health tools and how they're taking care of it, and to be accountable for their choices and what they're doing. And then just circle back up to honesty, to, to be really honest about, you know, is someone doing something that they're passionate about and making something and, and, consuming and creating in a cycle in society, is someone connecting with people and socializing in ways that feel good to them and, and feel that, that feel nurturing, that connect them to a community of humans, Internet and otherwise and an actual physical home reality. And I feel like questions are a great way to help someone to to step back and look at what's going on, and to self-reflect. And so that is something that feels very supportive for me, when people ask me questions. And to touch base on that theme, again, of, building trust, asking questions rather than giving advice and telling someone what they're supposed to be doing, to take care of themselves -- can build that trust that shows, with your actions, that you validate their decision-making, and that you support their decision-making, and they're learning about themselves and that you're there to support them in supporting themselves."

• 0:00 -- "What's up YouTube? I am here to talk about the difference between shame, and guilt. Because, learning this distinction has been incredibly valuable in my mental health, health, life and perhaps it can be valuable information for you as well. So the base definition -- difference -- of shame and guilt are that guilt is the feeling of 'I did something bad.' It's action-based, and then a 'bad'...it's an action that is bad. And shame is, 'I am bad', as a being. So guilt, 'I did something bad, my actions are bad.' Shame, 'I am bad. My being-ness is bad.' And those can be really easy to confuse, because they're both labeling as 'bad', and 'wrong', and some way of telling yourself you're a fuck-up, for other language. And, being able to separate which is which, and be curious about what's coming up, and [pauses] when you really boil it down, is that feeling or thought that is rising rooted in 'I did something bad' or 'I am bad'? And for me, that's a super helpful way to understand my feelings and my thoughts [pauses] in new ways. And also, then, to inform my decision-making, going forward, about which thoughts and feelings I listen to and trust, that are coming up, and what I follow. So, in my experience [pauses] guilt is a tool, is a helpful and harmful tool. And shame is -- is a -- [pauses, pulls down at the air with her hand, to represent:] a vacuum [pauses] yeah. Shame is a vacuum. Like it just sucks out -- life. Guilt can be helpful and harmful. So, excessive guilt is a lot to carry, around it's excessive, it's heavy, if you're constantly telling yourself -- which I've lived this -- every decision-making I'm doing is wrong and bad, in all facets of-of my life, and that's exhausting, to constantly -- [laughs, adjusts her glasses] these glasses are {unintelligible} -- to constantly beat yourself up, like you know, be like, 'Oh, it's wrong that my glasses are falling' --  like, if I'm, you know, 'Oh it's so -- it's so wrong, that I'm doing it, how could -- it's so bad of me to film a video that is not perfectly, whatever' -- that can be debilitating, to get in the way of all of your thoughts, and feelings, and it does -- it makes no space for any -- it takes away space from other things. And at the same time, that guilt voice can be the voice of your conscience. It can be a conscious voice of, so -- to the example of my perfectionist voice. that can also be the voice that is, what is, detail-oriented about me, and observing things, and seeing connections between things, and [pauses] it is helpful, in addition to being harmful. And it's figuring out, with guilt, 'Is this excessive?', 'Is this useful, at all, t-to my life? Is this really what my, my priorities are, and is this aligning me towards those, or am I just using this to, berate myself, and, say things to myself in ways that are-are significantly harsher than I would ever talk to a friend. That is a really helpful tool as well, of talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend, and checking yourself on your reactions to your thoughts and feelings, and noticing if you are saying things in a way that are very different from what you would say to a friend. So, on the other -- there's guil -- so on the 'versus', in that transition, there is shame, and part of why that, 'What would you say to a friend?' tool is helpful here is that, in my experience, shame is not my voice. Shame is a voice of someone else, be it a particular individual, or, a, collective group of individuals, an institution, a [pauses, gestures about with hands] something else that is not, that is not my voice. Think about a baby coming into the world, and starting to learn how to make decisions, and navigate, and-and walk -- like, to crawl, move around, all of that. [Pauses] If a baby -- okay, if a baby is walking learning to walk, and they fall - first of all, that, that shame, you know, what what adult is like, 'Shame on you for falling, baby!' Like, come on. And you're like, 'Aww, look how cute!' you know, and like, 'You go baby', like, 'Fail until you -- failing is part of the process!' And, and that's great! And the, the -- well, the awareness of self-talk is, is different. The best idea I have of [exhales, laughs, voice changes] a baby and her self-dialogue, learning to walk, is, is like, is a, sort of 'darn', if they fall, 'I messed up', and then they get up and keep walking. Whereas [pauses] this, this idea of [pauses, doesn't finish the thought] -- What I'm, what I'm getting at here is-[laughs]-is -- little kids aren't going around saying that [voice rises] they're bad because they don't know how to walk immediately, or how to cut their own food up, or whatever they're doing, like, little -- very young kids, before a certain age when [voice changes] 'The world makes you bitter', she says sarcastically -- 'cause it's true! --  before you are [pauses] inundated with so much of the world [pauses] the-the voice is guilt, and it's directing towards, 'Oh', you know, 'I feel guilty if I, if I take, my [pauses] -- if I go to preschool, I feel bad if I take someone's cookies, or I take their spot, or if I 'whatever' from them. If I if I steal, if I hit someone -- these things, that, then teach us act-- our-- teach us accountability for our actions, and how to function in a community. The shame, is so different. The shame is so much [pauses, looks down, exhales/sighs] -- it's a vacuum, it feels deeper, it feels [shakes head, long pause] -- it, it feels -- almost more violating, is the word [shakes head, looks confused] that came into my head, in this, rambling about it. That [pauses] that shame is a really deep-seated insecurity that, I believe, adults project onto children, because they had it projected onto them when they were children, and so it becomes this cycle that we pass down, that [pauses] is shifting as people notice it and talk about the differences, and realize the differences, that, [pauses] shame isn't effective. What has changed, for any -- towards happiness, by shaming? What-what actions have -- if anything, when people say, like, 'shame spiral', in my experience, shame perpetuates behaviors, patterns, thought patterns, beliefs. It perpetuates those things. Whereas guilt, to me, is more of a, of a spotlight, of a 'Hey, let's take a look at this! Let's examine. Let's get curious, about what's going on here.' And again, can be excessive -- excessive guilt is still excessive. And shame, the more and more I sit with, distinguishing it from guilt, I feel, is, excessively heavy, for any human to hold, because we're not meant to hold it, because it's 'unnatural.' And [pauses] not all natural things are beneficial, and unnatural things can be beneficial and -- by 'unnatural', in terms of an emotional sense, what I mean is -- I could also say it's unproductive. It's ineffective. It's not useful. It is [pauses] in my experience, shame creates resistance [pauses, small laugh] whereas guilt shows you where you have resistance. [Looks about as if she is surprised by what she just said] I'm gonna need to reflect on that more, 'cause without almost nine minutes of video rambling, I'm not sure [looks quizzical] I would have ever connected them in that way. Because this started out as a very short [shakes head] video, uh, really, jus-- [cuts herself off] the base of the message here, is that guilt is 'I did something bad', and shame is 'I am bad', and that those are very different thoughts and feelings, to hold in your person. And to be aware, and to ask yourself questions about what's going on, aaannd see what you can learn, and maybe record yourself talking about it, 'cause this was a really helpful way to learn more about it. Thank you for watching, and I would love to read about any of your experiences distinguishing these two, and understanding about these two, and I would love to hear, would love to hear how these themes come up in your life. So, thanks for watching! And like, click, subscribe, rate, du-nuh-buh-buh-buh! [Laughs]"

• Interviewer: "Annie, let’s start with your story. We’d love to hear how you got started and how the journey has been so far."
• Annie Altman: "I’m passionate about mind-body connection, and connection generally. Part of this comes from ways I’ve felt extremely disconnected through several mental health labels and experiences. I’m extra-extroverted, and very curious – when I was little I would introduce myself to strangers with my full name and ask them how their day was going. I love learning, I love learning about people, I love using learning as a tool to help people. I took all of the classes to go to medical school and then noped off of that path, tapering away from academia through work in two different UCSF labs. I accepted that my mental health prefers creativity, and forcing myself into the science field eventually showed itself to be just that: force. I got existential and came to understand that enjoyment of life is meant to be prioritized because no one knows “how to: human” anymore or any less than any other human. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to be a human. Science isn’t “right” and neither is art. Science and art are connected, and connection seems to be where all the themes of life play out. I began to feel an imperative to “get the word out” about no one ever fully “knowing” what they’re doing as a human being, mostly as a way to self-therapize and remind myself. I need the reminder that it’s okay for me to have no idea what I’m “ultimately” doing, and that I’m primarily a human being. Accepting my love of making things and noticing how clearly art helps me let go of my defenses, I feel that making art is the most effective way for me to communicate. As I was transitioning away from becoming a physician, I slowly began putting videos on YouTube (the first-ever being a comedy song called “A Song for Bo Burnham” inspired by his stand up special I’d just watched) and going to open mic nights for comedy and music. My “official” parting ways with academia was a three-week yoga teacher training on the Big Island of Hawai’i, after which I came back to the East Bay Area to work for an online CSA company called Farm Fresh to You. Five months later I sold my things and moved to Hawai’i, where I chose to live in a car for three months out of my nine months living there. I felt compelled to experience living in a car, and my need to find a way to make this idea (this reminder that had become my focal point instead of medical school) into a succinct art form that felt authentic to me, made the openness of more free time and less living costs incredibly appealing. I began a book version of my idea: no one knows what they’re doing in their human doings and beingness, and that’s really beautiful because it connects us all. It’s like pooping or death. On island I taught yoga, I made more YouTube videos, I ghost-wrote for a YouTuber, I drove for Lyft, I explored outside, I met new people. I wrote more for my book version of the idea than I had ever written on one consecutive thing, journaling my way through all I had learned in life so far and observing for patterns. I reflected a lot alone, especially while living in the car, and I reflected a lot with the people I met who were open to questions about their human experience. My original idea had expanded to say that know one knows how to human, and also that there are themes of being human that all humans encounter, and that talking about these themes helps everyone. I moved to LA last August while transitioning my idea to a movie version about me writing the book version – it was all very Hollywood. I worked as a ghostwriter for a painter and also as a budtender at a dispensary. To support what I was working on creatively, and to help me find much-needed clarity, I began a podcast. I was feeling overwhelmed with non-numerical data and the weight of taking art and life overly seriously. Some part of me also knew that I needed to make a project where it was built-in for me to ask for help. I decided the podcast would be a conversational interview about a human truth, to serve as a reminder that we are all connected through our truths, our joys, and our challenges. I know that open dialogue is super important to me and feel that is where to start with what “goods” I offer. The podcast was originally called “True Shit” (I learned iTunes will not allow even “self-censored” expletives), and that is still the premise of what is now called The Annie Altman Show. Starting the podcast made it clear to me that my overall idea was meant to be verbal. I circled back to my love of stand-up and live performance and knew that the art I was making was intended to be a one-woman show, that has settled on the title “The Hum|Annie.” The Annie Altman Show is what I call the podcast and other creative projects – videos, blogs, food, comedy, and more – that serve as “field mesearch” for the idea that has evolved into The Hum|Annie. The Hum|Annie is an interactive stand up comedy musical philosophy show about how no one ever fully “figures out” how to human, how there’s 10 “C” themes to the human experience, that are connected by and exist within the “C” theme of connection, and how maximizing resource equity minimizing human suffering. These themes in this organization are a tool to check in with our mental, physical, and emotional (which is, to me, synonymous to spiritual) health. That’s what finding and using them has given to me and what I am offering for others to experiment with for them. The Hum|Annie reminds me that I can only be an expert on myself and my humaning, and explores what this can offer to humanity. The Hum|Annie makes fun of things like being my form of brevity, uses my life story to examine common themes in all life stories, and reflects on how self-deprecation differs from honest self-reflection. I believe my role of service is in asking questions and making connections, using tools like play, comedy, and music. I’m an intense proponent of experiential learning and believe doing and sharing my own learning is my most effective tool to offer. Making these projects and this show is me walking the walk of putting my own oxygen mask on first.
• Interviewer: "Great, so let’s dig a little deeper into the story – has it been an easy path overall and if not, what were the challenges you’ve had to overcome?"
• Annie Altman: "Yes and no, and it’s been a weird and fun combination. I intentionally took a 180 turn within my spiraling circle life path, which is challenging for anyone to do smoothly and I was especially clumsy. The mishaps led to a lot more for me to learn about, such as accepting “mistakes” as a necessary part of any learning process. My relationship with my family as we all grieve has been the most challenging struggle along this process. My dad died from a heart attack on May 2018, on the same day I had a flight booked from Hawaii to St. Louis. We had video chatted the day before and were super close. For me, the grieving process feels like going through all the cycles again and again in slightly different ways in a spiral. The Hum|Annie is dedicated to him. I’m grateful that he was (and is) this project’s biggest cheerleader. The Hum|Annie uses all the knowledge I’ve received from my mental health and grieving journeys so far, which means I must first unpack and sit with how that knowledge impacts me personally. I use the term “mesearch” because all research is biased by the researcher, which, like the placebo effect, is a mostly ignored truth in mainstream Western medical practices. I support scientific and spiritual practices and I am learning to support where I am of the most service to humanity as a whole. I believe there is so much that can benefit humanity through connecting different practices and ideas. Honest reflection, of myself and the world, has been and continues to be a satisfying challenge. For me, sharing parts of it helps my processing.
• Interviewer: "We’d love to hear more about your work."
• Annie Altman: "I specialize in an interest to help connect science and spirituality through exploring my interests in both of them, using myself and my human connections as experiments. I’m grateful to have found a way, through much exploration, that feels authentic to me right now to do my own mental health work, to redirect grief and shame, and to have the privilege of the space to do that work. My intention in sharing parts of my own process is to help make space for others to have the same baseline of privilege I’ve been fortunate enough to receive. People need access to resources to do their own work. I’ve been lucky enough to interact with a variety of guests on the podcast so far, and I’m grateful for the ways I’ve been impacted by each of the conversations. The style of the show has both deepened and lightened as I learn to first relax with myself. This series aims to make use of my black-and-white thinking patterns to help myself and others notice those tendencies more easily, and to help those with more gray-space thought patterns who are curious to learn more about a different perspective from theirs. I feel strongly that open discourse about being human, connecting all our internal parts, and connecting with other humans and the world around us, are all necessary parts of the process of equitable resource distribution. Prioritization of honesty, open communication, and curiosity about connection are very important to me.
• Interviewer: "Is there a characteristic or quality that you feel is essential to success?"
• Annie Altman: "I’m grateful for the words of Maya Angelou for this one, “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” From reflections with friends and with myself, I also believe that success is liking who you do your “what” and “it” with, as well as liking the feeling you experience of connection in your doing and beingness. To me, success is connection. To experience connection, I needed to first accept the disconnection I was experiencing and ignoring on my previous path. Part of my process of learning is also unlearning – unlearning a dislike of myself, of what I was doing, of how I was doing it, of who I was doing it with, and of the feelings I was experiencing that I accepted as “how life is.” I feel it important to embrace disconnection as a part of connection, and remember that there are things to be learned from them both. As action is more accessible for me as a starting point right now, I started with figuring out how to really like what I do. I am only doing what I’m doing because I’ve allowed myself to pursue connection – with myself, with others, and with this rock we’re all floating around on together for a little while. My honesty and curiosity about connection are very important to me. I also believe it’s important to address the financial privilege that I had to graduate from college without debt and to have a Biopsychology degree. That privilege has allowed me the flexibility to give most of my attention to this project for the past two years while working a variety of jobs that allow me to explore different interests."

• 2:30 -- "The only constant is change, the only permanence is impermanence...I feel this one very personally, because of my challenges with change, and, letting go of things as they change, having space for things to change."
• 3:30 -- "In my experience, feelings about change ultimately come down to the change of life and death, and death being this, quote, 'ultimate change' that we haven't {"haven't" may be wrong, it was bit hard to make out what Annie said at that point} experienced before, it's scary, and it's unpredictable, and change brings up time, and 'time as a construct', and seems real, and none of us know what we're doing, and change is a really fun and goofy reminder of the clusterfuck that is our human existence, 'cause the only thing that stays the same is that things keep on changing."

• 3:01 -- "Communication...on a personal sense, it is a mind-body connection -- communication -- through our breath, through any sorts of health - mental, physical, spiritual -- that we are processing. Processing, to me, is semi-synonymous...with communication. I personally care a lot about authenticity and honesty with communication, because, while it's fun and silly that miscommunications are potentially most of comedy, in life -- they're gonna be there, they will arise, and so honestly, I get confused about lack of authenticity and honesty...part of this podcast, all of these projects, of communicating in different forms, are a way for me to do a practice of communication in a way that -- my intention is to encourage communication...with people, to communicate with themselves and with others in direct ways, in new ways, using nonviolent communication, using language from therapy...focusing on 'I' statements and checking in with your consciousness about how you communicate with yourself...I have learned, and continue to learn...{that} how I talk about myself is how I talk about others and talk about the world."

• 2:57 -- "What does a charge really mean? No one's getting a, quote, 'bill of charges', of a-a recorded tally of all of their choices, and the things that changed, and all of the things in their life [pauses] and so we don't -- I-I don't get to know that"
• 4:03 -- "As I keep saying the word 'charge', it is, it's interesting how connected it is to money and finances, in language, at least in my mind, and on an emotional scale, I put that with things like generational trauma, and epigenetics and charges, reparations"

• 2:27 -- "The 9'th 'C' is 'curiosity' - how is a human responding to not knowing? This is one that I feel intensely, because there are several parts of me that freak the fuck out when they do not know something, and so those parts have cultivated and created -- have assisted the creation of -- parts that get really curious, and ask a lot of questions. I also have parts with curiosity about dogma. And in my experience, any dogma is dogma, and it limits curiosity and expansion of consciousness, for the first 'C', and honestly all of the C's. Curiosity...makes me think of self-experimentation, and the curiosity to play, and to explore, and to notice how children interact with the world, and child-like sort of, playful curiosity that, in my experience, as an old 25 year old, navigating how to be grounded in this current consciousness while still bringing curiosity to life, and remembering the 'change' 'C', that there's going to be more to be curious about in life because change is going to keep happening, and remembering the 'compassion' 'C', to bring compassion to my curiosity, that -- I don't get to know everything, I don't get to know the whole story. The more I know, the more I know there is to know. And, I can choose to view that [pauses, small laugh] however I want. And, life feels a lot more fun when I view it in a fun way. And, I get curious about learning, and asking people questions about their experience...and I've definitely watched a lot of YouTube, and read a lot of Wikipedia, and talked to a lot of, Lyft drivers, who consent to talking about their experiences. And, it's, it's fun for me to learn."
• 5:37 -- "In my personal life, I've noticed that I gravitate towards communities that focus on curiosity, and, that's a fun thing for me to personally get more curious about. And on the bell curve, with curiosity, I check in with, my, my own boundaries, my own preferences, my own experiences, with my ability to be open to the unknown with a curious perspective, and coming in with that choice to be curious."

• 5:34 -- "And also having courage to back off from pain in that place where I'm not breathing [long pause, looking at the floor] uh, which in terms of talking about [pauses] v-vulnerability, is, the difference between sharing a scar and sharing from an open wound -- is language I've-I've heard a few times that I [pauses] I'm encouraging myself to use more of"

• 3:13 -- "Connection, for me, comes back to, we are all connected, all things are connected, in some bigger way than I can see...I [pauses] -- some part of me has, throughout all of my over-attaching to all sorts of things, and, exploring different parts, thus far, of my human experience...faith in connection, and, a feeling of connection to a bigger connection [pauses] for lack of other words"
• 4:41 -- "Wow, can you imagine a world in which everyone's basic needs are acknowledged as human rights, and are met? And so rather than people putting energy to get their basic needs met, which can often mean hurting people, those people can do whatever it is that they want to do, and who knows what things can come out of people, what things that they can create and get connected to and connect within themselves, when they have the resources to connect as a human."

• "What's up, YouTube! I'm here to talk about how food is a very fun reminder that nobody knows how to be a human ever. There's not a point of being human, in my personal experience and from people I've talked to about their experiences, that's all like, 'Yeah, this moment, I figured it out, perfectly! I know how to be a human, from this moment going forward, I've figured shit out!' -- that doesn't exist. Aaaand, I've really wanted that point [small laugh] to exist, I've really wanted there to be some sort of user manual to being a human, that would tell me things, like food and how to feed myself perfectly for my most physically, mentally, spiritually healthy body, and essentially, in my experience, I used food as a way to control my insecurity about dying, and being a human, and not knowing how to live 'correctly' and 'perfectly' and not being able to control the fact that this shit is all temporary. Aaand, because of knowing how important food is, and noticing how different foods make me feel, and how relevant food seems to me -- which is a synonym for important, Annie -- I made all the food rules that I could ever think of for myself, about, when to eat, and what to eat, and how much to eat, and what combinations to eat, and, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah -- name a food rule -- a lot of people [nodding to herself] have made them...the more people I talk to, the more convinced I am that everyone...has some sort of disordered eating and body dysmorphia, 'cause it's fucking weird to be in a body and put food in a body that keeps this body going...we all need food every day, and so it's not a big deal, it's food. Also, we're literally putting something inside of our body, that then is what our body uses to continue to exist. That's pretty fucking vulnerable! I have a theory also that everything is about food and fucking, biologically...that's how this body got to be here, and is still here"
• "And with fucking too, that's another great reminder that nobody knows how to be human"
• "Having done the 'really angry vegan' game...what I believe...is that my body has enough to figure out about how it feels with certain foods, and at certain times, and at certain whatever's -- that's plenty for me to be dealing with here to understand. For me to say I have any idea how another body feels when it consumes different foods is mean, that's mean, that's wrong, and that's mean, because I can't feel anything inside another person's body, and they can't feel anything inside mine. And so this whole thing about how do we feel ourselves, and how do we human perfectly, it is an individual journey."
• "To ground it in my personal experience with food, I went hardcore into the vegan game, and the raw vegan game, and the fruit-arian game"
• "And rather than getting all of this like 'what is the way everyone is supposed to eat' and 'how do we do this', and -- for me, wanting to make food rules, and say, 'Oh I'm gonna be perfectly happy and never die if I eat exactly this way and control this shit super rigidly', which is just a projection of mental health shit. If you've ever done that with food, maybe ask yourself if you're sad or anxious about something, 'cause in my experience that's what's going on."
• "I do care about food for health, and mental health, and how that impacts a body -- I find that stuff fascinating."
• "So, disordered {eating} stuff, I believe, is gonna come up, like I said, because it's weird to be in a body."
• "If you're always thinking about food, restrict-binge cycle, then you're putting all of your mental energy on food. And then that takes so much energy away from literally everything else"
• "Because no matter how feed feed ourselves, [voice rising] we're gonna die! It's a sad ending, Annie [laughs]. I've said Annie three times, that's a lot of 3rd person, uh, stuff -- food is vulnerable to talk about, cause people -- they're like, 'Oh, you're telling people' -- agh, who knows. Let's talk about food more - food, eating, pooping, digestion. We-we all have intestines. Why do we act like there's any other thing going on here? I don't understand it. Just like I don't understand how to be a human! Thanks for tuning in."