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I just wanted to say thank you for this article. I know it might seem weird, but I am a female borderline. I actually am very into my DBT therapy and have made it my TOP priority in life. But I went searching for flowcharts and this was unbelievably good. Your work and effort to "save" someone you cared about went, as you probably know, above and beyond what she could have possibly comprehended as "helpful" because she lacked the basic skills to really thank you.
For the people and naysayers who like to envelop women [and some men] with BPD as monsters, incapable of true transcendence and life skills, you're absolutely wrong. I have had a plethora of very serious life crises that burned many bridges before the wonderful place I am in now I fondly refer to as "entering life through the back door."
think of this; we start as babies. we start as people who cry and need to be fed. we need to have emotional protection and to have needs met. very basic needs. somewhere, borderlines do not get this and we spend a lifetime of horrible, and yes, cliched existences to try and attain even a modicum of truth to who we are and that feeling of rationality and love. it is possible. You were right in leaving and as hard for a borderline to admit this, being left was the only thing that got me to the right long term commitment to therapy I so desperately needed.
And yes, were it not for my own desire to get better and experience authentic love and being, I'd never have gotten here- and I am not very sure that's something every borderline can attain, as it requires a thirst for knowledge and a somewhat high-functionality in the real world. [ie, having a job, owning a car, money are really helpful but extremely hard for borderlines to attain.] Luckily I am very close to my exes and they have been incredibly instrumental in my recovery process. [my ex fiance even bought the book "Everything about Borderline" for me recently. I have several other health issues, not the least of which is an eating disorder. But to respond to your ex's thoughts on "when i lose weight" i have to call bull. I was big and my mind just reversed polarity and split, so now I do not eat enough.
anyway, before I ramble on too much, I just wanted to say hi,and thank you again for this. It's always very insightful for a borderline woman in recovery to hear the real and undiluted thoughts of the partners. I love it because it helps me avoid things I really have no idea i am doing.
one last thing: think about Aspies and Autistic persons. They have unknown reasons for their lack of empathy and tendency toward verbosity to the point of boring everyone - yet we do not label them so harshly. Aspies can learn and a huge amount of money and research and care is taken to help them toward leading a normal life. I think we need to start thinking about BPD this way, or else I am afraid many more suicides will occur. A good combination of the tough love and soft encouragement is a good approach.
Thanks for your time. Kelly