Happiness Is a Chore

OTOH, joy is very different. It kind of just happens, unasked-for.

This is the happiness we are really searching for. The other kind is better described as pleasure.

Sometimes, it almost seems like I am truly happy only when I "escape" or "triumph" over something that almost "ate me up": my husband's household, the Department that I had gone to for a PhD thesis... the genuinely nice psychiatrist who soothes my Mother's fears... Like "I am happy when I have proved that I haven't changed, because change is corruption".

I'd say that's a relief from a precarious situation, which does provide happiness, but is only temporary and not sustainable.

However, contentment (or a relaxed sense of well-being) is a form of happiness that can be sustained until something distressful occurs. Sustaining contentment may require life changes, for I feel many people's lives are incompatible with this sustained level of contentment; the lack of freedom imposed by obligations tends to being more stressing than not.

Also, exhilaration is another form of happiness (similar to anxiety, but the difference is certainly noticeable) that is desirable that's tricky to activate. I believe your joy is similar to my exhilaration, or maybe a gradation between contentment and exhilaration.

I suspect the solution is this.