what becoming more secure did for me

chipmonk

what becoming more secure did for me

post by Chipmonk · 2024-08-22T17:44:48.525Z · LW · GW · 5 comments

This is a link post for https://chrislakin.blog/p/becoming-more-secure-mfer

  Becoming more secure
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5 comments

After I quit my job two years ago, I was conflict-avoidant [LW · GW] to the point of depression [LW · GW]. I did ~nothing for five months and moved in with my parents in the middle of nowhere.

Social conflicts used to rip me up. I would be anxious for days, sometimes months.

I was so avoidant of feelings I didn’t know they manifested in the body!

Then, with a nudge from a good friend and help from a skilled coach, I began some rapid growth [LW · GW].

And I didn’t have the terms for it yet, but I began deconstructing my emotional insecurities one-by-one:

Becoming more secure

As I became less emotionally insecure, my depression, social anxiety, and avoidance fell away. I found healthier strategies, so they were no longer useful defense mechanisms [LW · GW].

With a secure baseline, I moved cities, pivoted careers, and began building a much more aligned life for myself. Since then:

I direct my own social interaction research, like this post, funded by donors.
I’ve produced small AI safety workshops with attendees like davidad.
I run unhinged, sometimes intentionally awkward social events. <Detailed post coming soon>
…

Previously, I would have been too afraid to do these things mostly for fear of getting into conflict with others. And while I still get into many similar situations, they no longer register as “conflicts” that I feel avoidant [LW · GW] of or anxious about.

(I was also fortunate to have some financial security during this time in the form of ~6 months of runway.)

Boundaries [LW · GW] are intuitive to me now. I couldn’t tell you the last time I did something because of guilt or manipulation by others.

(I’m actually somewhat conflict-seeking now. Conflicts are often fun and informative!)

Even my cuticles became securely attached!

Beginning ~7 years ago, my cuticles were consistently disheveled. I would pick at them when I felt anxious. But sometime within the last year, my cuticles completely healed. This was not the result of any new skincare methods and not the result of “willpower”. I think I’m just significantly less anxious so I don’t pick at them anymore.

I’m much more present and I flinch away from many fewer aspects of my experience [LW · GW].
(↑ also helped me become more empathetic.)
I fixed my chronic neck/back pain.
I do fewer unwanted self-fulfilling prophecies.
I’m more intuitive and I know more about my body.
I have friends that I like more. E.g.: I’m running a brunch this weekend and, despite trying to be selective, there were 110 people I wanted to individually invite.
Less Tanha.
Sex is better and easier.
My sense of smell is a little better as I ignore it less (still working on this).
…