Free copy of Feynman's autobiography for best corny rationalist joke

Rationalist pick-up line: "I would never cheat on you if and only if you would never cheat on me if and only if I would never cheat on you."

How many rationalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They don't screw it up. They keep it steady while the world revolves around their priors.

Two rationalists walk into a bar. ...

One to have a drink, the other to be the control.

You might be a rationalist if ...

You ask people what they think before showing them evidence so you can tell them what they think afterwards.

Q: What do you call it when a bayesian loses an argument?

A: Getting your posterior handed to you.

A rationalist sits down next to an attractive woman at the bar.

He asks "are you familiar with immediate reward bias?"

"No," she responds.

"Well, people tend to place irrationally high value on immediate rewards, relative to future rewards. So, for example, they might prefer $50 today over $55 next week. This is a bias that a more rational person can take advantage of in trade negotiations. Unfortunately, I am an impatient person. With that in mind, I have an offer for you. If you agree to have sex with me ONCE tonight, I will agree to have sex with you TWICE next week."

What did one cryonically frozen head say to the other cryonically frozen head?

"Well. My subjective anticipation was way off on this one."

A rationalist walks into a bar with two bartenders. The rationalist asks "What's the best drink to get tonight?"

The first bartender says "The martini."

The second bartender says "The gin and tonic."

The first bartender repeats "The martini."

The second bartender repeats "The gin and tonic."

The first says again "The martini."

The second says again "The gin and tonic."

Then the first says "The gin and tonic."

The rationalist smiles and says, "I'm glad you could come to an agreement."

You're a rationalist if there's a portrait of you in an attic somewhere getting increasingly irrational everyday.

A pickup line: "I want to update on your posterior."

Recommended accompaniment: the "buddy" gesture

A pickup line: "I'll maximise your utility if you utilise my virility."

How many rationalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three.

• One to calculate a confidence interval for the torque necessary to secure a bulb without shattering it, starting from Newtonian priors and updating based on research into the yield strength of glass.

• One to run a cost/benefit analysis on future electricity usage vs. the black-swan risks associated with insufficient lighting (those darn feathery ninjas...)

• One to be genuinely surprised that the burnt-out bulb is still hot.

How many rationalists does it take to make an apple pie from scratch?

One, but first they have to build an AI that can create a whole universe.

Two rationalists walk into a bar.

After gathering first hand observations on the thought-diminishing properties of liquor and the poor quality of companionship, they both nod, evidence confirmed, and walk back out without a word.

A rationalist, a priest, a sociopath, and a pedophile walk into a bar.

He orders a drink and thinks to himself "Well, this is definitely more fun than when I used to be a Nazi."

Rationalist pickup line: "If I asked you out, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?"

Why did the rationalist cross the road?

Because his/her preference scheme assigned a high value to being on the other side.

Rationalists do it while entangled.

A theologian, a lawyer, and a rationalist meet at a cocktail party.

"Theology is the most intellectually demanding field," says the theologian. "The concepts are so abstract, and many key texts are obscurely written."

"Oh please," says the lawyer. "I once knew a bright fellow who became a theologian because he couldn't make it as a lawyer. He read and studied and tore his hair out, but he just couldn't get how the law works."

"I've got you both beat," says the rationalist. "Rationalism is so hard, no one's figured it out!"

EDIT: Too bad there's no prize for the lowest rated joke. Sorry if this joke offended people. It wasn't meant to reflect badly on any of the characters or anyone in real life.

Rationalist overheard in hell:

“…I was on-track for upstairs until they found my frozen brain - what a fucking stupid idea that was…”

A rationalist and a christian argue about the existance of god. When the rationalist is bored he finally says: "Listen, the probability of god existing is about as small as winning the lottery, so if you win the lottery next week we can talk." They meet again next week and the christian did in fact win the lottery so the rationalist says: "Yeah, I calculated it again and it's more like winning the lottery twice." The week after they meet again and much to the horror of the rationalist the christian won the lottery a second time. He doesn't know what to answer so they part again and meet again the third week. The rationalist says: "Well, the probability of that happening was insignificantly small, so I think I need to update my beliefs and acknowledge the fact that there might be a god." Says the christian: "Well, I just realized I am rich now. I don' think I believe in god anymore."

Politics is like d-CON; it kills rationality.

Apparently wikipedia had a link to the full text, if anyone is interested.

How do you irritate a rationalist?

Sprinkle magic-dust on her ears so they grow large on Mondays

Rationalist pickup line: "Hey baby, you want to mutually cooperate in a Prisoner's Dilemma?"

How many rationalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? They don't screw it up. They keep it steady while the world revolves around their priors.

Two rationalists walk into a bar. ... One to have a drink, the other to be the control.

You might be a rationalist if ... You ask people what they think before showing them evidence so you can tell them what they think afterwards.

Rationalist pick-up line: Hey baby, mind if I touch up your priors?