Asking about polyamory in Melbourne
post by Carinthium · 2014-02-09T09:51:04.335Z · LW · GW · Legacy · 8 commentsContents
8 comments
What communities are there where one can find polyamorous dating in Melbourne? I've decided to give it a try, primarily because my poor social skills mean I should go for the highest possible chance of success rather than anything else for the time being. If there is some degree to which I have options, requesting the best choice for somebody with good academic skills but very poor social skills and Aspergers Syndrome.
Noting that I consider success to be very unlikely here under my circumstances, but given this is Lesswrong we should all be aware that sometimes it is worth attempting something unlikely dependent on potential payoffs. At the very least, a lower potential acceptance threshold means in the worst case scenario it's metaphorical training wheels for monogamous dating.
8 comments
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comment by ChristianKl · 2014-02-09T21:01:27.661Z · LW(p) · GW(p)
I've decided to give it a try, primarily because my poor social skills mean I should go for the highest possible chance of success rather than anything else for the time being.
I think you will find the idea that polyamorous dating enviroments are easier for people with poor social skills mistaken.
A polyamorous woman will expect that you to have emotional management skills such as not getting jealous over the fact that she has other partners.
I think what you want is an activity with build in social interaction training. That can be dancing. It can also be something like improv comedy classes.
Replies from: Nornagest↑ comment by Nornagest · 2014-02-10T21:49:51.867Z · LW(p) · GW(p)
I think you will find the idea that polyamorous dating enviroments are easier for people with poor social skills mistaken. [...] emotional management skills such as not getting jealous...
People's sensitivities to jealousy seem to vary enormously, and AFAICT don't correlate particularly well with position on the autism spectrum or introspective ability. So you can dodge this problem, if you're lucky. On the other hand, I've seen a failure mode where people with poor introspective skills talk themselves into believing they're insensitive to jealousy when the opposite is true; this almost always ends poorly. Don't assume.
Even if you're low on that scale, though, poly typically demands time management and communication skills that mono relationships don't. There's a reason for all the spreadsheet jokes in the community.
Replies from: ChristianKl↑ comment by ChristianKl · 2014-02-10T22:08:24.521Z · LW(p) · GW(p)
On the other hand, I've seen a failure mode where people with poor introspective skills talk themselves into believing they're insensitive to jealousy when the opposite is true
Talking yourself into it is relatively easy. Talking a woman into it when you yourself have poor social skills isn't. A poly-woman usually wants to avoid the situation where she causes a man that gets to much attached to her serious pain.
Replies from: Nornagest↑ comment by Nornagest · 2014-02-10T22:27:17.535Z · LW(p) · GW(p)
I've seen it happen at least twice. In both cases the problem became evident a few months into the relationship, but by that point most of the damage had already been done.
I actually think that poor social skills there may have made the problem more likely, by masking as simple awkwardness what in a more socially adept partner would correctly have been seen as jealousy. Don't know how far that generalizes, though.
comment by skeptical_lurker · 2014-02-09T15:30:46.263Z · LW(p) · GW(p)
Not the best reason to be poly. FYI there are dating sites for aspies.
comment by [deleted] · 2014-02-10T07:17:02.525Z · LW(p) · GW(p)
I agree that this should have been in an open thread. I'm going to dump some random thoughts anyway. I don't know if you meant it like that but the training wheels assumption seems vaguely insulting to poly people. I'm not sure where it comes from. Presumably to do well with either dating style you still need to be able to approach people, keep a conversation going, show confidence... what specifically do you think will be easier for you in a poly community? Serious question. It might be easier, but probably not if you approach these people with the attitude that their relationship style is a lesser one.
Some pros and cons off the top of my head:
Mono is simpler. There are less people for you to worry about. A lot more people prefer this relationship style. Partly because of social pressure, but it's true either way. This is a numbers game, especially if you're trying to get better at it. It's good to meet a lot of people and see who you click with. If you're into poly that will be a deal breaker for some people right off the bat, at least if okcupid match questions mean anything.
On the other hand, in a big city like Melbourne, there might be enough poly people for this to work. It's a higher variance strategy. It might hurt your chances with some people, but if you meet someone and you're poly and so is she and you both know you're a minority then that can work to your advantage. But doesn't get you out of needing social skills to have good odds.
Poly communities are probably more ask culture on average, and aspies tend to do better in ask culture. I think it's a filter effect-- askiness correlates with whatever other traits make people experiment with non mainstream dating styles. I have literally no data on this. It's just anecdotal impressions.
Funny, I'm sort of the opposite. I think I prefer poly. I'm too inexperienced to be sure. I'm leaning towards using casual monogamous dating as my practice, since, again, the majority of girls I've interacted with seem to prefer this, and only insisting they be polyamorous after since it will filter people out. Good luck with whatever you try.
comment by trist · 2014-02-09T12:20:53.323Z · LW(p) · GW(p)
I can't speak to Melbourne, but I would caution against the idea that polyamorous people have lower acceptance thresholds. Polyamorous relationships are often considered more difficult to navigate, especially if you are apt to feel jealous or rejected.
There is less competition though, and people usually don't suddenly become unavailable because you move too slowly. So it may be the most forgiving dating scene... Good luck!