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3. Blind spots, cognitive errors
Thinking that "caring" is thinking for another person
This is when I constantly remind Sveta to grab a robe or do some household chores. The problem is that Sveta already remembers to do them, and my reminders only annoy her, not help her.
It's like imperative programming, where you describe how to do each step (vs. declarative programming, where you describe what to do).
It's also like spoon-feeding a baby with its own hand.
It's also like hyper-parenting when you take your kid to the hospital even when he's a teenager, or when you decide for him where he goes to school, or when you don't give him any homework at all - in general, when you relieve him of responsibility.
Believing that it's only me who's having a hard time
This is a cognitive error that I've been crashing against my entire life. I'm only now, at almost 30 years old, just beginning to realize that all people have to overcome their reluctance to do a job or solve some problem.
It's still very hard for me to realize this because I still hear time and time again from respected people that they "love" their work:
- They see it as meaningful - it's a kind of global goal, for example, to increase the intelligence of as many people as possible so that it will noticeably improve the quality of life of as many people as possible, and thus create a culture, an environment that self-reinforces such an increase in intelligence and, as a consequence, in the quality of life. There are such people in my environment and they are passionate about what they do. How can I believe they have to rape themselves the way I do?
- They're interested self in solving the problems that make up their work: some are interested in how they can "screw up", others are interested in how they can "solve/manage". They are driven by the gasp of problem solving and the excitement of creating more complex systems: for example, not just making dinner, but making it with healthy and wholesome ingredients, and adding more different flavors for a new gastronomic experience.
I really don't have much luck believing that people like that have it as hard as I do. I think they have some other, more mature "complexity" - not like me. I have a "difficulty" in making myself do something, while their "difficulty" is in solving the problem in the best way possible, as soon as possible. They don't force themselves, that stage is already passed for them - it's a problem they learned to solve long ago, not to face it.
Believing that all other people know better than I do - thereby easily abandoning any idea of mine in favor of someone else's idea
This is a consequence of my hyper-parenting upbringing. I automatically, from System 1, chip away at the credibility of a decision I've made as soon as another person doubts it.
For example, a year ago I decided to apprentice as a developer. Then I watched YouTube of a developer who has been coding for 15 years purely because he likes it, for himself, and he said: "Don't do programming if you don't enjoy it". And I don't "enjoy" it! So after his words I feel sharply that I don't need to come here, that programming is not my thing, I wasted a year and a lot of money and effort.
Think that the problem will disappear if you don't notice it / if you actively "take your eyes off it"
For example, if you stay up late at the computer, you don't look at the clock on purpose to "fool" yourself - "if I can't see the time, I can go to bed at whatever time I want, and wake up at my usual time and sleep".
2. Principles
Act as if you are building a solid long-term relationship, even if it is likely you will never see that person again.
- Turn in work on time
- Always give notice as soon as you realize you are going to miss a deadline (show up for a meeting on time, turn in work on time).
Separate the person's behavior from the meaning of your conversation.
As a friend of mine said when her five year old son used tears to force her to go out with him in the evening after a long hard day, she said: "If I didn't want to, I wouldn't go. I would have explained to him that I was very tired and that's why I didn't want to go out. He would probably have been hysterical, but that's just him expressing his emotions. The main thing is that I explained the reason and he heard me. He understands the reason for saying no: not the authoritarian "because I said NO", but the comprehensible, coherent and logical explanation: 'because I'm tired'".
My conclusion is this: it doesn't matter how a person behaves. Separate his emotions from the meanings you communicate to each other.
I have a problem with this, by the way: even in a conversation with an adult, I emphasize emotions. That is, the person may be rude but sending signals about what they need to agree with me, and I'm so triggered by the emotions they're broadcasting that I don't notice their signals - and because of that, I continue a conversation about something I should have left long ago and moved on to the next step.
Empathize
This means - understand the person. Don't "agree" but just hear him in the way he is trying to explain to you. At times like this, respond with, "I think I get it. What you're saying is that it's important to you that..., and to accomplish that, you're suggesting... because you see that as the only (or best) way to solve the problem?"
After the interviewee answers, you can ask, "Then can you flesh out what other options you see?"
Be polite first
There are people who have been taught by their life experience only one language of communication - through violence, through "run over", scare, yell. Politeness and cooperation, unfortunately, they perceive as weakness and therefore it is impossible to negotiate with them in such ways. Only if you reeducate these people beforehand. Therefore, in such cases you will have to switch to their language: pressure, rigidity, authoritarianism.
In other cases, always start with politeness, even if the person is angry. especially if the person is angry! Don't be confused, your job is not to overwhelm the person with your calmness. You want to create a safe environment for him, you want to get on his side to solve this problem together.
It's difficult. It's painful. You're human too and you're angry too, you may be hurt and sad and tired too. That's why we talk about this principle - because it's not easy to execute and it's not intuitive in the moment of heat of passion. That's why we talk about politeness as a tool that you have to learn and get used to using.
Strive to solve the problem in a way that all parties win
"Courtesy First" builds on this principle, the fundamental desire to solve a problem so that as many of the roles involved in the project as possible win.
This is taught by Eliyahu Goldratt and followed by William Detmer.
So look for every possible way to solve the problem together: you together against this pernicious problem, even if you are spouses and are arguing over who should mop the floor or if you just sold a friend your bar and the landlord of the bar space shortly thereafter decides to remove the bar from his premises and now the friend is demanding that you cancel the deal and give him his money back.
Either way you are together against the problem. Your job is to find what you have in common that can bring you together to solve it together.
Hammertime is an old, but still really helpful "challenge", if I may so. I have learned some brand new fundamentally useful habits from this 30-days period, and this way – a huge warm Thank You, alkjash!
I will answer this final exam in several messages, separating them but three themes you provided.
1. Techniques
Trust the exocortex / exobrain (reminders, todo-list) with everything you need to "remember" on a long run.
Kinda:
- Getting the dish out of the oven on time.
- Show up on time for your dentist appointment.
- Get some physical exercise done.
Record the bugs
Minimum action: Strike a note in Todoist, as is, albeit drafted (note: I always have Todoist on hand).
Yoda Timer
Minimal action: Start a timer on your phone.
PTD/TAP
Minimal action: Whenever you think of adding a repetitive thing to your life, give yourself 30-60 seconds and answer the question, "What is the simplest thing I can do regularly in this area?"
For example:
- To get accustomed to reading, is it ok for me to read at least one paragraph a day?
- To pump up my English, is it normal to watch one 10-20 minute TEDx talk in the original every morning?
Design
Minimal action: Once you notice that you are not happy with something in your environment or on your computer or phone, then answer yourself the question, "Can I fix it in 1-2 minutes?". And if the answer is, "Yes!" then just do it.
Factorization of Avoidance
Minimal action: When you notice that you don't feel like doing the same thing over and over again, then think for 10-30 seconds, "Why don't I want to? Is something scary going to happen? Or does this deed not seem meaningful?"
Avoidance Factorization
Minimum action: When you notice that you don't feel like doing the same thing over and over again, then reflect for 10-30 seconds, "Why don't I want to? Is something scary going to happen? Or does this deed not seem meaningful?"
Belief in sunk costs
Minimal action: When you feel like quitting, remember how you washed your lids for a week (clarification: this was my "homework" on restoring my belief in sunk costs).
Time Calibration
Minimum action: At the beginning of any task, give yourself 5-10 seconds and intuitively estimate how long that task will take. At the end of the task, look at the actual time taken and remember your prediction. How different is it from reality?
Murphyjitsu
Minimal action: Take exactly 1 minute to think of one possible cause of failure and immediately think of how you can prevent it or reduce its likelihood or deal with its consequences cheaply.
Push where effective
Minimum action: Give yourself 5 seconds and then intuitively, from System 1, suggest where to push where it would be most effective.
Search for new things in the past
Minimal action: When you learn something new and are about to apply it, whether you are reading or being told, take exactly 5-10 seconds to think: Have you done something similar before?
Cancel superstition
Minimum action: When you have successfully completed System 1, intuitively answer the question, "Which of my actions or habits contributed most to this victory?"
Focusing
Minimal action: For five seconds, notice where in the body something has contracted, where a chill, a tingling sensation has appeared.
TDT for people
Minimal action: Say to yourself, "Next time it will be 10% easier."
Friendship
Minimal action: Just think: Who could be on a call with you while you solve this problem? Diman? Someone from the learning chat rooms? Or a programmer? Maybe my girlfriend?
Silence
Minimum action: When you feel dreary and seem to want to "go nowhere" and not experience anything at all, just let your thoughts roam free - don't hold them back. You don't have to write them down, just let them wander and express whatever they want. Promise the thoughts that you won't judge them - they can speak freely.
Inner root of disagreement (IFS)
Minimal action: Give yourself 30-60 seconds and name as many body sensations and your feelings about this situation as you can.
Reductionism
Minimum action: Give yourself 10-30 seconds and intuitively, from System 1, answer the question, "What is the ONE skill behind this case? (meaning: 'ONE of the skills')""
For example:
- What one skill (one of) lies behind the ability to argue and defend your point of view? (in person, in voice, not online in text)
- What one skill lies behind writing music?
I love "capsKeys" script for AutoHotkey for Windows, which kinda imitates vim using. It replaces Caps Lock key/button functionality, so Caps Lock starts acting the same way like we use Ctrl, Shift and Alt buttons – let's say, we get fourth auxiliary key.
Just have a look github link from the beginning of this text, it speaks for itself. Personally, I using it for about 10 months and cannot imagine PC experience without this tool.
I really can't get the point from the "3. Solve or Reduce Aversions", specifically:
> Meanwhile, un-endorsed aversions should be targeted with exposure therapy or CoZE.
As I can see, here we should get rid of bad aversions. But the rest part of the text sounds like we should... reinforce them?..
> To apply exposure therapy, build a path of incremental steps towards the aversion
I used to have my Sapience Spell when I broken up after eight years of hard and harmful relationships and rented a new apartments. The day when I moving inside this apartment and after deal with all the stuff, I was so tired and wasn't ready to cook the food, so I went to the nearest takeaway.
On the route I noticed building under construction and by some reason it caught my attention. I found something common between me and that building: I also felt myself "under construction" at that time. This thoughts made me smiling, and the rest of the night I spent with that warm and reassuring feeling.
It also feels the same each time I walk near this building. Walking around it, I always returned from "autopilot mode" and thought about my current life status, my goals, pitfalls:
• How far I came since broken up?
• How stronger as a specialist I came?
• How much better my living place now then earlier?
• How strongly I satisfied with my life since I change my living place?
After half of the year I meet my ideal partner, and the building was looking much more stronger and completed up to that time – and so do I. Each time walking around it I thought, that we grow together.
Actually, I feel myself silly each time thinking about this far-fetched "connection" between me and that building. I didn't even realize I was using Sapience Spell.
For now, I live far from that place and after reading this post I realized: it was a really working Sapience Spell, so now I need something equally worthy.