What are some important insights you would give to a younger version of yourself?

post by silentbob · 2021-06-09T20:29:05.797Z · LW · GW · 5 comments

Contents

    are the three most important pieces of information which you could give 10-years-ago-you that could positively influence their life?
  Firstly: Separate your drive/motivation/actions from visible immediate results.
  Secondly: You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.
  Thirdly and somewhat ironically: There is no piece of information that will fix your life.
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5 comments

I recently watched an older TED talk on Youtube, and after watching it, realized there was a comment beneath it, written by me, 10 years ago:

This is frustrating. I have all the possibilities to live a great successful life, but I just don’t have any idea how to keep my motivation up over time.

This surprised me. Not only because it’s a bit unexpected to watch a random Youtube video only for it to end up being a window to your personal past, but also because I had pretty much forgotten about my frustrations at that time. When I wrote that comment, I was around 20. And reading it made me think a lot: 30 year old me really doesn’t struggle with the same issues anymore. Why is that? What am I doing differently? How did I get here? Did I do this, or was I just lucky? If I were granted a conversation with 20 year old me, what would I tell him? Could I in any way accelerate that journey from frustrated-me back then to a more satisfied version of myself? What words would I need to say for past-me to be able to apply everything I’ve learned since?

This admittedly is not a very original question. I’ve come across a whole lot of “what do you wish you had known when you were 18?” type posts, videos, lists and comments over the years. And I’m sure there are some on lesswrong as well. Although, surprisingly, I didn’t find anything too close despite using a whopping three different search terms – surely that justifies a new post on the topic.

So, I’d be interested in other people’s thoughts, and would phrase the question this way: 

What are the three most important pieces of information which you could give 10-years-ago-you that could positively influence their life?

I’m of course not referring to random trivia about the time since, such as “Invest in Bitcoin/Tesla/Zoom”, but rather “robust” knowledge that would be likely to be useful in most possible futures of your past self. Also, these tips may be pretty specific to your situation back then and not apply to others. This is fine, no need for generalization here.

What follows is my attempt to answer the question for myself.

Firstly: Separate your drive/motivation/actions from visible immediate results.

Find some intermediate steps to create motivation. Experiment with small (randomized) rewards, track your progress visually, derive motivation from reaching goals even if they’re just numeric in nature and don’t immediately correlate to anything you fundamentally care about (e.g. “do 50 pushups throughout one day” may be a decent milestone, even if it has no visible effect on your health or looks).

Identify all good aspects of a desired behavior that you can. For instance “going to work by bike” comes with a whole number of advantages, some of which aren't quite obvious:

You can find a lot of reasons for doing pretty much anything once you’ve decided you want to do it. Such rationalization may not be great from an epistemic standpoint, but can be pretty handy instrumentally.

Feeling motivated is not a necessary precondition to doing something. In the end pretty much everything comes down to physical or mental actions. Realize it’s possible to go through all these action steps however you feel about them. Sadly, I’m aware this whole statement is most likely not useful and will not change anything except maybe adding to the guilt of not doing what you desire to do. Maybe 40 year old me will have an answer to this dilemma.

When motivation does hit however, use it not merely to do the thing, but to make doing the thing easier in the future.

Secondly: You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.

This is probably one of the most relevant nuggets of insight I got from reading Atomic Habits. Goal setting can be very useful and give you some valuable direction, but it’s not the primary lever that steers behavior. You don’t get more productive merely by increasing the magnitude of your goals.

What I was missing in my early 20s was a reliable system, a system that kept me on track and which I could trust. A good system keeps you accountable to yourself. It allows developing trust between present and future-you. Something needs to get done in the future? Find a way to ensure this happens, so you can trust in your system and future-you working things out, instead of having to constantly unproductively worry about it. In order to have justified trust in the system working in the future, it's vital to follow the system today as well.

Related to this, find good tools. Be it trello, workflowy, notion, roam, beeminder, google calendar, notepad, the todo app on your phone, or physical sticky notes: however your system looks, there are tools that do a better job at supporting it than others, and maybe you’re not yet using the most suitable one. Past-me had neither a system nor any particular tool that would help with self-organization.

Thirdly and somewhat ironically: There is no piece of information that will fix your life.

In a way this is what I’m (hypothetically) trying to do here, yet it seems pretty obvious to me that it’s not going to work, at least not in the way past-me would probably have hoped. The way I see it, such information might accelerate the process to a degree: I know what has worked for me, so maybe I can at least spare past-me some searching. But at the same time it seems somewhat essential to actually experience things and learn things over time. In 99% of cases, you don’t change via some spontaneous insight provided from the outside, but very gradually over time through your actions and their consequences.

One implication of this is that reading whole books can be (depending on the book of course) much more valuable than just going through a summary. It’s not just about the concrete points these books make. It’s about bathing your brain in these ideas long enough for it to remember and internalize them, to combine them and apply them to your own situation. The value of a book lies not primarily in the conclusions the author has come to, but also in the way and the reasons they got there in the first place, and the meaning all of this has to you personally.

Realize that the person you are today is very likely in most regards the same person you’ll be a year from now. Don’t rely on future-you to be somehow “better” or different. There won’t be some mysterious change in the future, turning you into a different person that suddenly gets things done. You must behave in the way you desire to.

5 comments

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comment by Filipe Marchesini (filipe-marchesini) · 2021-06-09T22:41:16.467Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

Hey younger version of me, start reading LW now, start programming now, study more statistics, go deeper on math.

Replies from: Pattern
comment by Pattern · 2021-06-10T22:06:11.429Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

Is there a specific kind of math you find really useful?

comment by Raven · 2021-06-09T21:15:07.964Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

If you have a question, no matter how dumb or embarrassing, Google it. Seriously. You have a library the ancients would have killed for, and it fits in your pocket. Quit fucking around and theorizing and making assumptions when you can get the actual answer in ten seconds.

Emotions are a powerful tool that needs to be refined, not ignored. Next time you feel that quiet sense of dissonant tension, stop and think very carefully. You probably made a mistake in your conclusion, or it's incomplete somehow.

Your hunger for power is a gift. Embrace it, and be wary whenever you feel the urge to settle down and stop moving forwards. But also, your self image as a villain is damaging your ability to consider "good" courses of action. Master both sides, not just one.

comment by Randomized, Controlled (BossSleepy) · 2021-06-09T20:55:52.542Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

[Keep] cutting your expenses and read about financial independence. Stop running at [bad] proxies for the thing you're interested in, and figure out how to run at the thing you're interested in. There's a voice in the back of your head that will always find something to complain about in every situation. [I now believe this is what Buddhism means by "unsatisfyingness"]. Sometimes the secret will be to recognize that the voice is constant and adjust your expectations accordingly. Other people are not there to entertain you, or fulfill you.

I likely could have saved two or more romantic and personal relationships if I'd be more accepting of the last two points.

comment by Viliam · 2021-06-10T23:10:22.148Z · LW(p) · GW(p)

This needs more thinking that I originally assumed, because many ideas that come to my mind turn out on reflection to be some kind of privileged "use the resources I have, but you don't", "spend more time with people I know, but you don't" (providing the name and address of an unknown person is cheating, like giving the number of a winning lottery ticket), "use the skills/knowledge I have, but you don't" (the kind of knowledge that cannot be explained in one sentence, and sending back the entire book is cheating), etc. Knowing the right people, and having good models of things (including a good model of who are the right people), are extremely valuable; having accumulated money and programming skills also helps a lot. Trying to transfer this lesson on e.g. one page of text has a high chance of misinterpreting the message. Other than that...

  • When someone starts bullying you, fight back immediately. This can escalate things in short term, but is preferable to long-term deniable "you all misunderstand, we are just being friendly" abuse. Other people often try to stop obvious violence, but hesitate to get involved in an ambiguous interaction.
  • If someone disrespects you, don't try to win their respect; walk away. The chance of success is very small: people usually stick with their first opinion regardless of further evidence. In the rare case where you succeed, you usually lose respect for that person in the process (e.g. you find out that their respect for people depends on some specific trait X they assumed you don't have; you provide a signal of X; you conclude that a person who sees the world as a hierarchy of Xs above non-Xs is a moron), which retrospectively makes gaining their respect a waste of time. Also, be suspicious when such people try to initiate an interaction with you: they probably want to use you in some way you won't like. (Distinguish between disrespect as an actively negative attitude, as opposed to mere disinterest or mistrust. "I don't know you" is perfectly legitimate; "I barely know you, but I conclude that you are a loser" is not.)
  • Your thoughts are shaped by the people you spend your time with; choose them carefully.
  • Acting in accordance with your values is surprisingly important in long term. Your values are among the few things that feel important even after decades; whatever you traded them for is long gone. Knowing that you had bad luck hurts much less than knowing that you made a wrong choice.
  • Saving money is important, but almost all investment opportunities are scams. (More precisely: scams have much greater budget to advertise to you in various ways. Non-scams require research on your side. If someone offers to help you with the research, 99% chance they are involved in the scam.) The costs of real estate in a city with enough jobs always keep growing.
  • Learn to say "no". Learn to ask for a high price. It is better to do one project for $2000 and be rejected once, than to do two projects for $1000 each. -- This is not an advice against working for free: if it is something you want to do, if it is enjoayble, or if you learn a lot. Just don't do something tedious cheaply, because someone asked you to; you will feel like the other person now owes you, the other person will remember they paid you.
  • Companies are not humans; you have relations with your colleagues, not with your job. Companies feel neither loyalty nor gratitude; calling you a "human resource" is surprisingly frank, that is exactly what you are. The easiest way to get a raise is to apply for another job.
  • If you were happy working with someone, call them later and ask whether they are happy with their current job and whether the company is hiring: if yes, you can get a good job and a good colleague simultaneously.