[Help] Critique my Admissions Essay on HPMoR

Key:

Your originals are rated 1-10. My suggested changes are rated 1-10. You might think a change that I suggested is poor - I might agree, and merely think that it is better than what was there, and that you should keep thinking about how to improve it. You might think that a phrasing or idea of yours I changed is good or good enough - I might agree, and merely think mine is an improvement.

My comments are in italics, suggested changes are in plain font.

I am an ideal editor for this because I have not read any of Rowling's books, nor seen the movies.

Fanfiction.net is the legally gray slum of literature, overpopulated with mostly bad Alternate Universe versions of popular novels. 5

"Alternate universe" should not be capitalized. I think "alternative universe" is more accessible.

The website fanfiction.net is a legally gray slum of derivative literature, mostly populated by bad versions of popular novels set in alternative universes. 7

Unexpectedly, however, it hosts a few stories capable of truly impacting a person's life. 8

Ideally your thinking would reflect that impact isn't a property of stories, but rather a property of story-audience pairs. See mind projection fallacy. I'm not sure if the reader will understand "host" is correct, so it is better to use a different word if an equally good one can be found. "Truly" might not be the best fit since its core meaning has to do with likelihood of effect rather than magnitude. The word "life" I took out so it could be used for the first time in the following sentence, where it helps clarify the meaning.

Unexpectedly, however, it features a few stories capable of deeply impacting an open-minded reader. 9

“Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality” by Eliezer Yudkowsky, is one such story, and it has already changed mine. 4

I think this sentence needs either one comma or three, though perhaps only three would be correct. I do not know if there is a special convention for writing the titles of fan fiction, but novel titles are italicized. Also, "mine" can be read as referring back to "story".

Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, by Eliezer Yudkowsky, is one such story, and it has already changed my life. 7

The protagonist, Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres, is extraordinarily intelligent, curious, and rational, overlapping little with the Harry Potter of J.K. Rowling’s celebrated works. 6

This doesn't sufficiently tell me about the original depiction of Harry Potter. Is he stupid, or of normal intelligence? Telling me a character isn't neutral good) doesn't tell me much. I can't tell you how to fix this because I do not know what Harry Potter is like in the books. "The protagonist" isn't descriptive enough.

The story's protagonist, Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres, is extraordinarily intelligent, curious, and rational. 7

Yudkowsky’s iteration of The Boy Who Lived often cites studies in cognitive psychology (inspiring me to do quite a bit of research on my own) but his influence comes from how he thinks rather than what he knows. 3

You need to identify Harry Potter as The Boy Who Lived.

Yudkowsky’s iteration of Potter often cites studies in cognitive psychology (inspiring me to do quite a bit of research on my own) as reasons for what he believes, but his influence on me comes from how he thinks rather than what he knows.

Immediately upon being tossed into the world of magic he starts testing his new environment. 5

The new paragraph should probably have the first reference to Potter by name. It should clarify that the properties of magic are what he is testing. The sentence needs a comma.

Immediately upon being tossed into the world of magic, Potter starts testing the properties of his new-found magical powers.

He designs and performs experiments and believes in his own ability to find truths the wizarding world has overlooked. 7

The irrationality of the wizarding world should be mentioned. Otherwise, the belief is not clearly rational.

He believes in his ability to find truths the unscientific wizarding world has overlooked, and takes the initiative to design and perform his own experiments to discover the nature of magic. 8

Unlike so many others, he approaches each problem as if it can be solved, trusting his own intelligence and perseverance. 7

I dislike the phrase "so many others". Clarify that the others are others in the wizarding world.

Unlike others in the wizarding world, who are used to not understanding magic, he approaches each puzzle as if it can be solved, trusting his own intelligence and perseverance.

One very useful technique that I’ve picked up for emulating this determination is to, when faced with a problem, really think about it for a solid five minutes before writing it off as too difficult. 7

I've emulated his determination, and have adopted the habit of never writing off a problem as too difficult until I have thought about it and nothing else for a solid five minutes. 8

His focus on rationality prompted me to introspect on why I procrastinate, and take successful steps against the problem through the use of highly atomized task lists. 6

His focus on rationality, or his application of rationality? "...through the use of..." is passive

His rational outlook has prompted me to introspect on why I procrastinate, and take successful steps against the problem by routinely making highly atomized task lists.

His efforts to study and understand magic, and his intent to use that knowledge to better the world, were inspiring. 7

The notion of intent to better the world is abruptly introduced here. Regarding rationality, you first said that the character used it, and then described how it affected you. In contrast, regarding altruistic intent, the first mention of Harry's possessing it is in the middle of a sentence describing how he has influenced you. "...were inspiring" is passive.

(Something came up, and I have abruptly run out of time to do this for now. Let me know if you want me to suggest changes to the sentences below.)

I had never really been sure about what I wanted to do with my life. But now I know; I’m going to be a scientist. 7

What caused you to know? The context implies it was the influence of HPMOR, or perhaps the character of Harry in it, but that is not good enough.

But he didn’t just help guide me towards my future; he gave me hope. 8

Once again, I think it is important to exclude the first "he" of each paragraph from referring to Yudkowsky.

Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres taught me to look up at the heavens, the stars blazing against the dark and the mountains on the surface of the Moon, and see not only the cold indifference of the universe but also the promise of humanity's future.

That one day we might expand beyond the Earth and the Solar System, into the huge, luminous spiral of the Milky Way. 7

Why would this be good?

"That one day we might" returns 43.9 million google hits.

That one day, we might defeat death, and that to endeavor to push it away is not cowardly but noble. 7

I think this is too big a concept to introduce here.

He taught me that the future can be as big and as brilliant as the night sky, but only if we fight for it. And that’s exactly what I’ll do. 7

I would recommend using the last lines to tie back into whatever you're applying for.

If it's for a college, mention how you can't wait to learn so you can change the world. If it's for an internship, mention how you'd love to get and how working there will make the world a better place. If it's for a specialist scholarship, mention how your values coincide with their mission. Etc.

Every part of an application should be designed to get you selected.

persons

person's

life;

life.

Wizarding World

wizarding world

minutes

minutes,

burning freezing spiral

something other than "burning freezing spiral"

First: you're above-average for an undergraduate already. This is a good essay. My suggestions are quite picky. Most adults can't satisfy me.

You seem motivated. You should definitely ask the opinion of people who are unfamiliar with HPMoR, though. If they don't understand, I'd stick with the answer you believe in, but you should be able to figure out what context you need to provide so that you'll be understood by your average seen-a-few-HP-movies adult.

The website fanfiction.net is a questionably legal slum of derivative literature, mostly populated by uninspired, cliched variations of popular novels. Unexpectedly, however, it hosts a few stories capable of deeply affecting an open minded reader.

I dislike this. Stilted. Apologizing. Take us straight to what moved you about this one, or describe bad fan fiction more colorfully (e.g. acknowledge a specific expectation we might have, perhaps of Hermione on Draco action).

Unexectedly, however,

Just one of these will do fine :) No need for both.

But Harry didn’t just

There are no hard rules, but a paragraph starting with "But" is jarring - especially when the previous sentence also lead with "But".

taught me to look up at the heavens, the stars blazing ...

Your grammar suggests that you're looking up with the stars, not at them (though nobody will misunderstand your intent).

mostly ... highly ... quite a bit of ... so many ... often

Remove those words. If you still agree with the result, leave them out.

cites studies in cognitive psychology (inspiring me to do quite a bit of research on my own)

Sounds like you performed some studies!

He designs and performs experiments and believes in his own ability to find truths

Unwieldy. I'd first talk about his confidence in science and reason, and then describe his success in applying it to unasked questions and neglected opportunities in magic.

You may wish to lead with a high-level summary of the conceit of HPMoR (as opposed to canonical HP): magic+rationality beats magic alone.

for at least a solid five minutes .

try simpler: for five minutes. for five uninterrupted minutes. for five minutes straight. for a solid five minutes. for at least five minutes.

That. That; that.

I don't mind sentences that are fragments (joining with the "he taught me ..." earlier). It's odd to use a period and a semicolon to separate 3 things in a list, though. You repeat "He taught me that" in the next sentence, which is fine if you like how it sounds.

That the sad things about being human may not be immutable;

I'd strike that part entirely. It's strong enough to just say:

that we can challenge the big problems, like disease, aging, and perhaps even death.

Consider emphasizing that he (Harry/Eliezer) didn't actually constructively show you a way to live forever or colonize the galaxy, but that you, swayed by their argument and example, think it's a hope worth pursuing; that there's science to be done; that it's worth trying, no matter that success depends on solutions and obstacles yet undiscovered. (There's just a small chance that someone unfamiliar with the material might misunderstand you if you don't make such a clarification.)

Harry didn’t just guide me towards my future; he gave me hope.

This actually makes sense. It's just vague at this point. The obvious question is: hope in what? That some goal you had before is reachable? It caused a feeling of "hope"? After reading through, I think it's that you're not just inspired to choose a career for yourself; you're inspired to dream of a better future for humanity, and to work for it.

Where are you submitting this to? Be aware that your essay may be run through Turnitin or some other anti-plagiarism software, which may discover this post.

I'm not quite sure, but that very last paragraph might sound rather odd for someone who is not a transhumanist. You may want to make it suitable for "normal" people as well.

Man, I can't stop thinking "Human James Papilloma Evans Virus."

Yudkowsky’s iteration of The Boy Who Lived

"Iteration" is pretentious in this context (and it means "repetition", so even to be correct it requires the reader to already understand that HP has been "done" numerous times -- something which is perhaps implicit in your first paragraph but certainly not emphasized enough to make this usage appropriate) ; replace with "version".

But now I know; I’m going to be a scientist

Replace the semicolon here with a (more forceful) colon.

Fanfiction.net is the legally gray slum of literature, overpopulated with mostly bad Alternate Universe versions of popular novels. Unexpectedly, it hosts a few stories capable of truly impacting a person's life.

Too abrupt. You need another sentence:

Fanfiction.net is the legally gray slum of literature, overpopulated with mostly bad Alternate Universe versions of popular novels. As would be expected, it hosts few stories capable of truly impacting a person's life. Nevertheless, the site does contain a small number of works in this elite category [or replace with better sentence meaning the same thing].

or at the very least another word:

Fanfiction.net is the legally gray slum of literature, overpopulated with mostly bad Alternate Universe versions of popular novels. Unexpectedly, however, it hosts a few stories capable of truly impacting a person's life.

A general comment: while this isn't necessarily your fault (since you are quite possibly doing exactly what is expected of you), the whole style of these things makes me cringe. Yours is unfortunately no different, despite being about MoR. It just screams "admissions essay".

Instead of making students write an inevitably insincere-sounding essay in response to some contrived prompt, colleges ought to either simply ask applicants straightforward questions (and expect straightforward answers), or have them submit writing samples of the applicant's own choice, the way it works in the grownup world.

This essay reminds me of several other pieces of writing I've read by LessWrong users. Specifically, it has a certain flavor of "trying-to-retell-something-written-by-Eliezer". Bits of your essay are written in your own style of writing, and bits of it are unquestionably in someone else's style. That other style is very distinctive and nonstandard, and I find it very very jarring when it's not used consistently.

I don't know if I'm more sensitive to this issue because I've read the source material. If so, it might not matter for an admissions essay (and otherwise, I have no major criticisms).

I like it up until the last paragraph, where it feels too grandiose and vague to me. Yes, spreading across the galaxy and ending death are specific things, but what do YOU personally expect to accomplish?. I like the rest of it because it's talking about highly specific, actionable things you have done.

"going to be scientist" -> "going to be a scientist"

I won't say anything about the nitpicky details, you've gotten a lot of good feedback on that already.

Just wanted to chime in and say I love that you're doing your admissions essay on MoR and I think the overall tone is great. Good luck buddy!

I'm realizing how bad I am at modelling a college admissions person. I really have no idea. While many people here may have a more accurate idea of mainstream people than I do, it doesn't sound as though anyone commenting knows a tremendous amount about what the actual practice is likely to be.

Is there any way of getting better information?

One more nitpick - "help guide me" should be just "guide me". The first version implies three agents - one doing the helping, one doing the guiding, and the one whose future is being discussed. There are only two agents really - HJPEV and you.

If "guide me" is too strong a term and you added in "help" to mitigate that, consider alternatives that suggest weaker agency - "show me a possible future" for instance.

Overall I like this a lot. One nitpick:

Replace "indomitability" with "perseverance". First, "indomitability" is just too ugly. Especially if you went out of your way to use that word to avoid repeating "perseverance" twice in rapid succession, go back to your first inclination. There's nothing wrong with repetition, there's a lot wrong with using words that make your writing overwrought.