Social Necessity of Drinking

Interesting. I sometimes get questioned on why I don't drink, but my response of "I don't dare lose a single brain cell" or "I have an addictive personality, I don't dare try World of Warcraft either" is usually accepted with a smile. Following Michael Vassar's theory of how excessive visible virtue is disliked as rivalry / implicit criticism / showing-up, I'm probably already seen as belonging to a sufficiently different category that I have dispensation to be virtuous without it counting as an implicit criticism of normal people.

I don't usually advocate lying, but if your companions are being sufficiently silly, maybe you should get ice water, drop in some blue food coloring you brought from home, and tell them it's Romulan ale.

I don't drink (and never have).

For (1), when asked why I don't drink, I say "I don't know. I don't smoke either." People seem to recognize that some people just don't like to smoke, and that this type of thing carries over to other voluntary activities.

When I get a disdainful look or am being chided for being a stick in the mud, I steel myself by remembering Richard Feynmann's wife's exhortation: "What do you care what other people think?"

"I have my reasons."

Said with stone-cold dead delivery, and no further elaboration. Very few people will question it. It also adds an element of enigmatic mystery that can't be achieved with "I think it tastes like crap".

1) Are there any good, cached buzzword phrases I can use that'll make it socially acceptable to not drink? "I just don't like it" seems to draw disdainful stares, and while I haven't tried it I get the sense that saying I'm morally opposed to it would make me look even more like a stick in the mud. Saying "it's ridiculously expensive" makes me look like a cheapskate.

Useful option: Don't explain. Don't attempt to justify. It is amazing what people will accept if you act like what you are doing is natural. A casual "I don't want to drink" more than sufficient answer - even to the question "Why don't you want to drink?".

Use a joke:

"I'm just too attractive to women when I drink. I can't handle all of the attention." "People who know what I know must never drink."

1) - “No thanks" / "a coke please“ is usually fine. “I don’t drink alcohol” if pressed. But my impression is that the delivery is most important (stating it firmly without looking embarrassed seems to work best)

-With people you meet regularly you seem to get less resistance being an official teetotaler than an occasional drinker who doesn’t feel like drinking one particular evening.

-Drinking very slowly can limit your intake to a single glass per evening

-If drinks are free and things are busy it’s sometimes easier to accept a glass and not actually drink it (or at least not finish it)

-Designated driver is culture specific. My impression is that in some places (e.g., UK, Scandinavia) it is expected to drink nothing if driving, while in others (e.g., France) you are often still expected to make a "small effort".

2) Quite culture specific. Fairly standard is to wait for everyone to have a drink in their hand before starting.

3) -People like to drink because social interactions often feel smoother and more natural when participants are a little drunk, and they can also be more fun

-People expect others to drink because:

    -It’s better if all parties contribute to the enhanced socializing

    -Sober vs. sober and drunk vs. drunk conversations tend to work well. Sober vs. drunk ones do not (and it’s much less painful to be on the drunk side)

    -Some perceive not drinking as a signal that you don’t want to or can’t enjoy yourself

    -Some people see non-drinkers as implicitly judging those who do drink

I don't drink, and haven't for about 20 years.

I generally go with "No thanks," on those rare occasions where someone asks why not I explain "I don't drink."

It's actually astonishingly rare for people to ask why not a second time; I don't remember the last time it happened, nor what I said, but I suspect I would go with "I react badly to alcohol," which is certainly true.

"I don't drink" is almost always good enough by itself. My best friend doesn't drink and I have rarely seen it questioned beyond that; "Medical reasons" is usually all the elaboration necessary.

There's an old trick of getting a nonalcoholic drink that looks like an alcoholic one. Ginger ale in a short glass looks like scotch & soda. The gibson (a martini with a cocktail onion) was actually invented by a guy who was sick of drinking at social functions and just put water in a martini glass, and garnished his drink with an onion instead of the typical olive so that he could recognize it.

For #1, having to drive, work, go to another important function, or being required to drink more later at some other function seems to be an acceptable occasional excuse but not a permanent one.

On #3, many cultures have sayings and aphorisms that share the idea that people who do not drink are not as trustworthy in various contexts. Much of it seems to follow from the idea that people are more honest when they've had a drink or two, and therefore people who do not drink are hiding their true character. The display of honesty is considered a trust-building exercise. I recall a proverb (Persian?) to the effect that people should not agree to serious matters sober that they have not discussed drunk.

On #2, if you must drink socially then drink very slowly. This can be developed to a fine art such that you are participating but consuming very little alcohol in fact. Also, there are also drinks you can order at any bar that have low alcohol content and large volume e.g. a redeye (tomato juice and light beer).

I'm about the same age and like and dislike the same things about alcohol. I never had a top hat, but did have tails and a cane. Yay.

Don't forget this, whatever you do.

1) Try saying you haven't found a drink you like yet and you aren't in the mood to experiment. That implies you're one of them, don't judge them for drinking, is an adequate and lasting refusal, and gives you a chance to redirect conversation if they pry about your "mood". "I'm just thinking about..." works fine. You may have to tell them what you don't like is the taste, but they already know that and are asking anyway, because they're silly, so they won't be as shocked.

Have fun, but never say you don't need alcohol to have fun. Instant Stick in the Mud status from that one.

2) Social conventions vary widely; follow people's lead. Use coasters when appropriate, don't chug anything unless someone tells you to or there's loud music playing, and don't blame the alcohol for anything you do or say that isn't a result of poor coordination.

Following what others have said about drinking less: You're drinking less because you're a lightweight, not because you want to be the least drunk. That way they're the empowered ones, having higher alcohol resistance traits than you. Match their demeanors, but don't fake slurring or stuttering. Not attempting to move is more believable than stumbling. If you're as affected as they are, or act like you're not experienced with alcohol and having any is already significant, you'll be easily dismissed and no one will question your light drinking.

Random tips for specific drinks: If you're doing shots, take them together or alternate, just follow their lead. Bow out if you want to, acting like it would be a bad idea not to. For bottled beers/wine coolers/whatever, you might be able to just have one by drinking it slowly. If it's a situation where someone gets up and asks who needs another, you can have half of what the average person there has without being weird. Wine poured in glasses and refilled from a bottle tends to be topped off periodically, but emptying less before being refilled means you drink less. I find mixed drinks that contain ice/water/soda taste nastier than just whatever liquor goes in them, so I just get a shot of that when I can. No one has minded yet, it's cheaper if you're out somewhere, and you're drinking less.

3) It could just be force of habit, since other people also like physical disorientation and tend to do that when they get together. People aren't usually good at thinking of things to do, and even when they are they throw alcohol in there too because it's fun. You have to learn to drink or blend as a non-drinker because people are boring but you still don't want to miss out on interacting with them.

If they know each other professionally, alcohol designates it as a social situation and not just a professional one, as opposed to a team building party sort of thing. If they aren't happy in their jobs (or upon getting home after losing time and energy to their jobs), drinking signals a mini-vacation so they can prove to themselves they have a life outside of work.

"Health reasons," if someone presses it. Ambiguous, but interpretable in a way that doesn't look like you passing judgment to the others who do choose to drink.

If my introspection doesn't fail me, the reason why I tend to like people less if they don't drink (not sure how much of this applies to how many other people) is that I semi-voluntarily¹ pattern-match “person who won't drink” to “introverted and/or closed-minded (ETA: probably religious) person”: if for a particular person I have good reason that doesn't apply (e.g. they are very cheerful, have a very non-traditional hairstyle, etc.) I won't make much of a fuss if they don't drink. Also, having drunk lots of alcohol and being still functioning is a hard-to-fake signal. (Other commenters have suggested to drink very slowly so that you can be seen as drinking throughout the night while only actually getting one drink, but I will notice that, even though I won't do anything about that because I'll realize that that's just the polite way to refuse to drink a lot for whatever reason.)

1. Semi-voluntary: a process that I can consciously control if I choose to, but it's active in the background by default, such as breathing.

I would think that one of the markers dividing the modern "adult world" and college would be the lack of peer pressure to drink alcohol. I'd think that only a jerk would give you "disdainful stares" for politely declining.

One social convention you might want to observe where alcohol is served is to have some kind of drink with you, maybe iced tea or a soft drink. Otherwise, people might offer you booze just out of hospitality.

In the "adult world" social drinking with acquaintances, such as work colleagues or people you've only recently been introduced to, is a way to loosen social inhibitions, and -- at the same time -- is a way to say "I trust you enough to let you see me with a bit of alcohol in my system."

I would expect "I'm on the wagon", with any further questioning deflected by "I'd rather not talk about it" would be enough explanation for any but the most impolite people, with "Medical reasons, I'd rather not go into detail" as the last-resort deflector.

Which is, in fact, absolutely true. You're not drinking (you're on the wagon), you don't want to talk about it, and ultimately it's the pharmacological effects of alcohol that are why you don't want to drink and you don't want to go into detail.

3) Is there any particularly interesting analysis of why drinking is so important to social interaction? Knowing the underlying causes might at least give me some better appreciation for why I have to learn this other than "because!"

The last time I was drunk I told a non-drinking friend of mine in fairly loud and forceful terms that he should drink too. So let me try to introspect on why I might have done that.

You didn't mention anything about experiencing lower inhibitions while drunk, and feeling more willing to do stuff like dance, loudly speak your mind on anything, etc. I think this could be a big part of why my drunk self is upset when other people don't drink--I'd like them to share this low-inhibition state with me. For one thing, I'll trust them more. This might somehow be related to people speaking their mind more naturally when drunk--if I know someone is speaking their mind to me and isn't lying or leaving things out when they talk then that's kind of a bonding experience.

But a more important factor is probably that I want to see people who normally seem fairly straight-laced behave in crazy ways, perhaps because it would lower their status, or maybe so we can share the kinship of being crazy, or so that I can know that just like me they sometimes break social conventions, take off their mask of good behavior, etc.

For what it's worth, I'm in college, I like experiencing the disorienting effects of alcohol, I somewhat like observing my speech becoming slurred (although the thrill of that may wear off) and your thoughts about the taste closely parallel mine. Oh yeah, and I enter an interesting and fairly fluid mode of socializing and ideas come differently while drunk, but those don't have anything to do with my being upset at people who don't drink.

I do not mean this to be flippant, but Richard Feynman's -- who quit drinking when he thought he might be showing early signs of alcoholism and did not want to risk damaging his brain -- wife would ask you this:

What do you care what other people think?

If you are at a bar or a party and you determine that other people are looking down on you for not drinking, why should you care about such silliness? It's your body and your health and damn people who cannot respect that.

Good on you for not drinking.

I don't drink. Anything remotely alcoholic. At all.

Why do you need a "why?" Just say you don't drink, and that's all.

How about just ordering a coke an nursing it? A coke often looks like a rum and coke, and I doubt many will question you. I suppose this doesn't work if they don't serve such drinks.

Most bars I know have bottles of non-alcoholic beers. If you find out the brand name of those beverages before you go out, you could order them by name. Most people won't even notice what you're drinking.

If I'm not interested in drinking I'll tell people that I drank the night before and I don't drink two nights in a row. Say it in a real casual way; "oh, I drank yesterday." with a smile then continue with the previous conversation.

I avoid it for primarily moral reasons. A death from alcohol is a preventable one. But there are social costs to rubbing this in people's faces, so I normally just say "no thanks" and "I don't drink".

1) Are there any good, cached buzzword phrases I can use that'll make it socially acceptable to not drink?

I suggest something along the lines of "Alcohol interferes with my medication" or "I'm allergic to alcohol". There are also many people that would accept the answer "It's against my religion", but it might invite annoying follow-up questions. "I'm a recovering alcoholic" also might get people to back off as well.

Actually, now that I think about it some more, something along the lines of "I'm the designated driver" or "I need to drive home" would probably work pretty well, too.

In general I don't drink. (I'll make an exception maybe once a year or so.) I don't like the taste, I don't like the feeling of alcohol affecting me, and I don't have any interest in losing any of my inhibitions. (Also, if I'm going to consume empty calories, I'd prefer something I actually enjoy.)

I order a soda or something (maybe with a twist of lime or lemon--it looks like others' drinks, and also, I like them) and don't make a big deal of it and no one really asks; if asked why I'm not drinking alcohol, saying I don't like it is usually enough. (Though it may be more socially acceptable for women not to drink, too.)

On the rare occasions I do drink, I'll order a glass of water also and take small sips of the alcoholic drink to make it last, while drinking the water for thirst. (Easy enough to do with something I don't so much care for, though I like ciders and sparkling wines well enough.) I have an easier time being more open and extroverted when others around me are, so if others are drinking, usually they won't even notice or care that I'm not. If you're acting while sober like others are while tipsy, it's not as socially awkward.

Why don't you just drink one or two drinks in an evening? That's mostly what I do.

There are also alcoholic drinks that are unambiguously more delicious than non-alcoholic drinks. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Framboise is better than any soda.

You're going to be at a social weakness compared to others if you must always be at a baseline mental state during times of socialization. Alcohol makes socialization come faster via the lowering of inhibitions, making you ok to talk more, more comfortable interrupting other people, more comfortable letting your own words flow, etc. It's not better at accomplishing this than a benzodiazepine (and is in fact strictly worse) but they don't surf Xanax shaken with a twist at bars and networking events.

I usually just (truthfully) say that I never acquired a taste for it. I also prefer not drinking because I don't like the idea of possibly doing stupid things or generally losing control, and because the idea of alcoholism scares me enough that I don't want to risk acquiring a taste for it... but the bit about just disliking them as beverages has worked okay for me as an excuse. (Though I haven't needed to try it in any "classy" or otherwise mature setting, I've only needed to use it with friends who definitely weren't going to think I was a square as a result.)

Social necessity? Think of all the drunk driving accidents fueled by alcohol. The king hit murders. The rapes, the suicides, the hospitalization, the addictions and psychoses, the cost to the health care system, the filthy vomit ridden streets, the dopey people wasting their youth and their lives, the children that grow up neglected, the fetuses that grow up poisoned and the activists that believed before me and you that there was hope in the face of the way things have been done for time immemorial. Are that a social necessity? No. We can do better than this.

[The connection between intoxication and sexual violence is well-established]

-The Crimson

I pray the omega that I don't give in to drinking tomorrow night when I go out with the same girl I hung out with tonight. Please remember the clever comebacks in the comments section Clarity, please.

1) I don't have any new and useful phrases to contribute, but I will provide my data point of never really having any problems saying "I don't drink". I guess it depends on the atmosphere though. My interpretation of peoples' responses to that is one of the following:

• I don't really know this guy... I don't want to challenge him... Maybe he has a drinking problem?... Maybe someone he knows died in an accident with a drunk driver?... I don't want to offend him.
• Whatever. I don't care.
• Eh, he's probably lame and not fun. Forget him.
• But it'd be so much more fun if you drank with us. It feels good when everyone in the group is doing it together.
• [Someone who knows me] Adam, I want to see how you respond to alcohol.

Responses 3 and 4 seem more rare.

3) My thoughts (which aren't particularly new or insightful):

• The social lubricating aspect of it is big. Disinhibition -> fun. And the environments around alcohol further this as well (dark, noisy, crowded...). I don't get the sense that people consciously reason this way, but I think that they've subconsciously associated it with fun.
• Convention is very powerful. (I realized that you might be asking where the convention comes from, but I still thought this was worth mentioning)
• There isn't really that much for adults to do at night. Well, I mean there is, but other people don't seem to think so. It seems to be (somewhat) frowned upon to stay at home and watch tv, a movie, play games. In other words, people seem to think that you need to go out. Which at night time, pretty much means eating, drinking, or maybe some sort of performance.
• A relevant read - http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/05/secretly-hate-bars.html

I think that no explonations is the way to go here, but sometimes you might want to give some kind of explonation for whatever social reason. Something like "I used to drink every now and then, but the way it feels just didn't work for me".

Drinking would interfere with my proper enjoyment of cannabis.

You could look at the cost of alcohol as the price you pay to enter a social setting. If you were expected to consume some beverage, and they were all priced the same but exorbitantly, what would you do?

It has not been my experience that someone who doesn't drink stands out in any social setting that I would consider important. If you're getting blank or worse stares, it may be your delivery or it may be you need new social settings.

My recommendation would be to use the question as a platform to engage the questioner and others around. Tell a funny anecdote. Expound on your rationalist beliefs and how they relate to alcohol. Say you don't enjoy, then share what you do enjoy.

Be truthful and earnest and you'll go far if you're amongst the right people.

People probably will assume you're a recovering alcoholic, no matter what avoidance strategy you use.

I always use "I'm driving", which is true (all of the alcohol-social situations I've been in are ones from which I have to drive myself home), with "I'm a big stickler about drinking and driving" (also true) when pressed.

(In addition to those things, I'd rather not drink in professional settings because I haven't enough restraint even when stone cold sober).

Are there any good, cached buzzword phrases I can use that'll make it socially acceptable to not drink?

"An orange juice, please." (Or mineral water, or Coke, or whatever's your fancy.) Of course, this is all going to be culturally specific. In the U.K. it is socially acceptable not to drink alcohol. You do not have to excuse yourself and will not be asked to.

A suggestion for 1: "I've had bad experiences with alcohol, it's better if I don't have so much as a drop".

Not technically a lie, but you might have to lie if pressed further. The implication is that you were once an alcoholic, recovered, and are at risk if you have even one drink. That's actually true of many people and will not mark you as a wimp.

A suggestion for 2: once you have a drink in had, and sip very tiny amounts of it from time to time, people will generally leave you alone. Stretch a single drink over the course of an entire social occasion and I doubt many people would notice.