On saying "Thank you" instead of "I'm Sorry"

post by Michael Cohn (michael-cohn) · 2024-07-08T03:13:50.663Z · LW · GW · 16 comments

Contents

  The idea
    Examples
    Is this just a generic post about growth mindset / cognitive-behavioral therapy / positivity bias?
    But first, counterexamples
  Why “thank you” is awesome
    Ways saying “thank you” affects me
    Ways I hope it affects the other person:
  When might this be bad advice?
  Conclusion
None
16 comments

Back in 2016 or so, I ran into an idea going around the self-help / trauma-informed-therapy / cognitive-behavioral internet: Learn to say “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry”. It’s turned out to be one of the most transformative pieces of advice I’ve ever taken. I’d like to share what it’s done for me, with just enough context to help others think about adopting it.

The idea

Whenever you want to apologize to someone who has done something for you, consider thanking them instead.

Examples

• I trip and fall, and you help me up. I could apologize for inconveniencing you or I could thank you for helping me. 
• I refer to the fat guy statue in a Chinese restaurant as Buddha, and you politely inform me that it's actually Budai / Hotei. I could apologize for being stupid or I could thank you for making me smarter.
• I'm having an absolute garbage day and in the middle of an intellectual discussion with you I start crying. You stop talking, listen to me sympathetically, maybe give me a hug. I could apologize for being a mess or I could thank you for being kind.

In all these cases I’ve found that I end up feeling better about myself and more positive towards the other person if I thank them for helping me instead.

Is this just a generic post about growth mindset / cognitive-behavioral therapy / positivity bias?

It's got elements of all those things but I think there are some much more specific shifts that it creates in me and in the person I'm thanking. See below for more. 

But first, counterexamples

I do still apologize if I’ve objectively harmed someone or failed to fulfill a duty or a promise. Like:

• I trip and fall, spilling coffee on you.
• I tell you the guy is the Buddha, you believe me and repeat it around a group of Chinese people, and they think you're an idiot. 
• I’m having a terrible day and in the middle of an intellectual discussion with you I call you an idiot. 

That’s what apologies are for. But I’ve learned that a lot of my apologies were just for, like, existing, and that’s where I’ve found it awesome to express gratitude instead.

Why “thank you” is awesome

Ways saying “thank you” affects me

• It frames things in terms of a positive emotion, gratitude^[1], instead of a negative emotion, regret.
• It puts us on the same side. When I apologize, I feel like there’s me, the hapless mess, and the other person, who is competent and picking up the slack for me. When I thank them, I feel like we’re buddies working together.
• It keeps me engaged. "I’m sorry" is about my own behavior, so it works with my natural tendency to disappear into my own head and ruminate about how badly I screwed up. “Thank you” is about the other person’s behavior, so it focuses me on continuing our interaction instead. 
• And in the long game, it reinforces to me that relationships thrive on a give-and-take of kindnesses. Even if they do a little more for me than I do for them, we both end up better off than if we carefully kept the sum forever at zero.

Ways I hope it affects the other person:

• When you apologize to someone, you’re emphasizing that you did something to them. But most people would probably prefer to think of themselves as an altruistic / kind / efficacious person who chose to help you^[2], and feel good about themselves as a result. Thanking them helps them with this as well as showing that you empathize with their actual emotional state.
• Similarly, “thank you” implies that I’m happy about what they’ve done for me, which enhances our connection by emphasizing that we’re feeling the same emotions.
• When someone asks your pardon or expresses that they feel bad, you’re expected to tell them “it’s okay” or something similar. That means that in my efforts to atone for bothering them, I’ve put another obligation on them — making sure I don’t feel too bad. Thanking them doesn’t do that.^[3]

I have less evidence that any of these benefits actually occur, but they align with a lot of good practices like emphasizing commonality with other people and showing that you accurately understand their emotions. I’ve never noticed a “thank you” aggravating someone, anyway.

When might this be bad advice?

Perhaps if:

• You end up saying thank you when you’ve actually harmed someone or broken your word (see examples above)
• You thank someone who sees you as arrogant or entitled, and would like you better if you did some self-effacement
• You thank someone who believes they’re so much better than you^[4] that they actually do expect you to apologize for having ordinary human needs around them
• I’m sure there are other reasons specific to different personalities or subcultures

Conclusion

Maybe later I’ll write more about the implicit models this activates or what it tells me about my lay theories of social bonds. For now: When you feel obligated to apologize to someone, consider telling them “thank you” instead! I’d be very interested to hear about anyone’s experiences with this, along with doubts or questions.

1. ^{^}

   Emotions researchers consider gratitude positive; it's been extensively studied as a psychological intervention, might help, and at least probably doesn't hurt. Some people might not experience it that way, perhaps because they interact with people who treat gratitude as a debt they can hold over you. If this applies to you, you might benefit from trying to fix that in the long term but I wouldn't say you should force it. 

2. ^{^}

   Maybe it wasn't an entirely free choice, eg, if they think other people would have seen it your plight and judged them negatively for not helping. But: 1) they're adults, they could have declined to help anyway; and 2) given that they've already helped you, both of you will probably be happier if you nudge them to focus on the voluntary component.

3. ^{^}

   I think there are a lot of nuances and culturally-dependent qualifications to this one and I may not be capturing it perfectly, but I know one person who's told me this is extremely important to them in our interactions, so I'll keep it on the list. 

4. ^{^}

   This is "better" in the moral/essentialized sense, and I think it sucks. There are people who are objectively higher-status than I am, busier than I am, or better than I am at almost everything, and they can still help me from an attitude of beneficence or largesse rather than being a dick about it. That said, when your life requires you to deal with people who are going to help you but be dicks about it, then be cautious about the "thank you" strategy.

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