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Comment by jason-gross on Raemon's Scratchpad · 2019-07-22T05:25:30.443Z · score: 3 (2 votes) · LW · GW

I'm wanting to label these as (1) 😃 (smile); (2) 🍪 (cookie); (3) 🌟 (star)

Dunno if this is useful at all

Comment by jason-gross on Raemon's Scratchpad · 2019-07-22T05:20:41.464Z · score: 5 (3 votes) · LW · GW

This has been true for years. At least six, I think? I think I started using Google scholar around when I started my PhD, and I do not recall a time when it did not link to pdfs.

Comment by jason-gross on Raemon's Scratchpad · 2019-07-22T05:17:09.838Z · score: 2 (2 votes) · LW · GW

I dunno how to think about small instances of willpower depletion, but burnout is a very real thing in my experience and shows up prior to any sort of conceptualizing of it. (And pushing through it works, but then results in more extreme burn out after.)

Oh, wait, willpower depletion is a real thing in my experience: if I am sleep deprived, I have to hit the "get out of bed" button in my head harder/more times before I actually get out of bed. This is separate from feeling sleepy (it is true even when I have trouble falling back asleep). It might be mediated by distraction, but that seems like quibbling over words.

I think in general I tend to take outside view on willpower. I notice how I tend to accomplish things, and then try to adjust incentive gradients so that I naturally do more of the things I want. As was said in some CFAR unit, IIRC, if my process involves routinely using willpower to accomplish a particular thing, I've already lost.

Comment by jason-gross on Raemon's Scratchpad · 2019-07-22T05:11:45.254Z · score: 11 (4 votes) · LW · GW

People who feel defensive have a harder time thinking in truthseeking mode rather than "keep myself safe" mode. But, it also seems plausibly-true that if you naively reinforce feelings of defensiveness they get stronger. i.e. if you make saying "I'm feeling defensive" a get out of jail free card, people will use it, intentionally or no

Emotions are information. When I feel defensive, I'm defending something. The proper question, then, is "what is it that I'm defending?" Perhaps it's my sense of self-worth, or my right to exist as a person, or my status, or my self-image as a good person. The follow-up is then "is there a way to protect that and still seek the thing we're after?" "I'm feeling defensive" isn't a "'get out of jail free' card", it's an invitation to go meta before continuing on the object level. (And if people use "I'm feeling defensive" to accomplish this, that seems basically fine? "Thank you for naming your defensiveness, I'm not interested in looking at it right now and want to continue on the object level if you're willing to or else end the conversation for now" is also a perfectly valid response to defensiveness, in my world.)

Comment by jason-gross on Micro feedback loops and learning · 2019-05-26T02:07:42.471Z · score: 5 (3 votes) · LW · GW

I imagine one thing that's important to learning through this app, which I think may be under-emphasised here, is that the feedback allows for mindful play as a way of engaging. I imagine I can approach the pretty graph with curiosity: "what does it look like if I do this? What about this?" I imagine that an app which replaced the pretty graphs with just the words "GOOD" and "BAD" would neither be as enjoyable nor as effective (though I have no data on this).

Comment by jason-gross on Fuzzy Boundaries, Real Concepts · 2018-05-07T20:44:42.245Z · score: 13 (3 votes) · LW · GW

Another counter-example for consent: being on a crowded subway with no room to not touch people (if there's someone next to you who is uncomfortable with the lack of space). I like your definition, though, and want to try to make a better one (and I acknowledge this is not the point of this post). My stab at a refinement of "consent" is "respect for another's choices", where "disrespect" is "deliberately(?) doing something to undermine". I think this has room for things like preconsent (you can choose to do something you disprefer) and crowded subways. It allows for pulling people out of the way of traffic (either they would choose to have you save their life, or you are knowingly being paternalistic and putting their life above their consent and choices).

Comment by jason-gross on The Intelligent Social Web · 2018-04-17T03:41:17.235Z · score: 3 (1 votes) · LW · GW

What is the internal experience of playing the role? Where does it come from? Is there even a coherent category of internal experience that lines up with this, or is it a pattern that shows up only in aggregate?

[The rest of this comment is mostly me musing.] For example, when people in a room laugh or smile, I frequently find myself laughing or smiling with them. I have yet to find a consistent precursor to this action; sometimes it feels forced and a bit shaky, like I'm insecure and fear a certain impact or perception of me. But often it's not that, and it seems to just be automatic, in the way that yawns are contageous. It seems to me like creepiness might work the same way; I see people subtly cringe, and I mimic that, and then when someone mentions that person, I subtly cringe, and the experience of cringing like that is the experience of having a felt sense that this person is creepy. I'm curious about other instances, and what the internal experience is in those, and if there's a pattern to them.

Comment by jason-gross on Circling · 2018-02-21T09:06:15.342Z · score: 71 (21 votes) · LW · GW

Because I haven't seen much in the way concrete comments on evidence that circling is real, I'm going to share a slightly outdated list of the concrete things I've gotten from practicing circling:
- a sense of what boundaries are, why they're important, and how to source them internally
- my rate of resolving emotionally-charged conflict over text went from < 1% to ≈80%-90% in the first month or three of me starting circling
- a tool ("Curiosity") for taking any conversation and making it genuinely interesting and likely deeper for me
- confidence and ability to connect more deeply with anyone who seems open to connecting more deeply with me
- the superpower of being able to describe to other people what I imagine they feel in their bodies in certain situations, and be right, even when they couldn't've generated the descriptions
- empathy of the "I'm with you in what you're feeling" sort rather than the "I have a conscious model of how you work and what's going on with you and can predict what you'll do" sort
- a language for talking about how I react in situations on a relational level
- a better understanding of what seems to be my deepest fear (others going away, and it being my fault)
- knowledge that I'm afraid of my own anger and that I deal with this by not trusting people in ways that allow them to make me angry
- an understanding of how asking "are you okay with the existence of my attraction to you?" disempowers me and gives another power over me they may not want; the ability and presence of mind to not do this anymore
- the ability to facilitate resolution to an emotional conflict over text even when both I and the other party are triggered/defensive/in a big experience
- understanding of what it feels like to "collapse", and a vague sense of how to play with that edge
- more facility with placing my attention where I choose
- more respect for silence
- a deep comfort with prolonged eye contact
- knowledge that I seem to flinch a bit inside most times that I talk about sexuality or sex, especially in regards to myself
- knowledge that I struggle most with the question "am I welcome here?"
- a theory of what makes people emotionally tired, which seems to resonate with everyone I share it with
- strong opinions on communication
- the ability to generate ≈non-violent communication from the inside
- better introspective access on an emotional level
- new friends
- ability and comfort with sitting with my own experience and emotions for longer
- decreasing the time from when I first interact with someone to when interaction with them blows up, if it's going to, I think because I'm pushing more of my edges and I see things more clearly and so all the knobs that I'm turning in the wrong direction I'm turning *really strongly* in the wrong direction
- maybe a tiny hint of how people relate to this thing called "community"?
- the ability to listen to nuances in "no"s, and not automatically interpret "no" as "no, I don't want to interact with you now or ever again"
- increased facility in getting in touch with is own anger in a healthy way by asking what it's protective of
- increased facility in engaging with others in their anger by seeking an understanding of what they're standing for
- the experience of being able to decide that I wanted to go to sleep, roughly on time, without fighting myself, for the first time that I can recall in my life

Things that I'm currently playing with in circling, as of a couple of months ago:
- "am I welcome here?"
- "what if someone goes away, and it's my fault?"
- What does it look like to find myself attractive or important, or to matter to myself?
- What does it look like and feel like to be held emotionally?
- What's up for me around touch and physical affection?
- Am I terrified of having power over people?
- How can I be less careful, and more okay/accepting?
- What does it look like to do things from a place of desire rather than a place of "should"?
- What am I attached to and how does attachment get in the way of what I want?

~~~~

I've sometimes said that circling seems to me like "metacognitive defensive driving" (to extend the metaphor of metacognitive blindspots and metacognitive mirrors); there's a way in which circling seems to allow my S1 to communicate very directly with another person's S1, in situations where our S2's get tripped up and have trouble communicating, and in such a way that it seems to bypass most issues of miscommunication and get directly to the heart of the matter. Even when I can't see the ways that my cognition is impaired, circling frequently lets me bypass that or address it directly.

I also want to add another perspective on NVC/ ownership language. I like using ownership language in part because it tends to trip me up in all the places where I'm trying to do something other than communication with my words, and thus it helps me to understand myself better.