My Marriage Vows

The Vows can be unmade by dissolving the marriage, but the act of dissolving the marriage is in itself subject to the Vow of Concord, which limits the ability to dissolve it unilaterally.

My ex and I included a more informal version of this in our own vows, and it was the only vow I ever broke. You cannot exclude from possibility a situation where the marriage is unhealthy, one spouse is suffering, and the other cannot bear the idea of letting go.

My ex was desperate to make things work, and I was trying with all my might, but there was no progress on the problems that blew up as soon as we moved in together. The first highly recommended couples therapist couldn't help us after over a year, then the next one threw up her hands and said she didn't think she could help any more.

Could I have convinced my ex to agree to a divorce while still living together? It seemed impossible to me - my guilt, and my fear of letting loved ones down, would drag me back.

(I'm in so much healthier a place, by the way, and my ex now seems to be happier as well. Our divorce was amicable after the first few weeks.)

I don't know what the more human-safe version of this clause would be, but it's not this. Unilateral exit should be a difficult option—to be done only in great emergencies or after a large amount of effort has been expended—but please don't take it off the table.

Security mindset, here we go.

I will never set out to deceive my [spouse] on purpose without [pronoun]’s unambiguous consent, without exception.

Perhaps you two will realize that it's better for you if your partner deceives you in some class of situations for stupid-monkey-brain reasons. I guess you can patch the agreement then by consenting to such deception.

Another potential failure mode: you will think that you're not deceiving your partner in some area while actually deceiving them. According to "The Elephant in the Brain", this is probable. From having read the vows, I am unsure how they are supposed to treat such a situation. Also, maybe in such a situation your partner will start despising the vows thinking that it's unfair that you're better at deceiving-without-knowing-that-you're-deceiving than them and that because of these, the vows are better for you. Or it could be vice versa.

Also, for elephant-in-the-brain reasons, I think it would be good to make the agreement such that there would be some incentives to not act against your partner via unconscious elephant-in-the-brain mechanisms.

The only exception to the latter is when this information was given to me in confidence by a third party as part of an agreement which was made in compliance with all Vows

This might make third parties less likely to tell you important things, since you might tell your spouse.

I will also never withhold information that [pronoun] would in hindsight prefer to know.

What happens if someone learns about this agreement of yours and thus kidnaps and tortures your spouse until they tell the kidnapper all your passwords or something like that? Suppose your spouse didn't know your passwords before this event and now they're on the phone and asking for your passwords. Are you obligated to give them your passwords because right now they prefer to know? Or are you free form the obligation because before this actually happened, both you and your spouse would prefer that you don't give passwords?

Another thing, I think this whole agreement models you as a rational agent with a utility function. And it might become bad for you if you start thinking about yourself another way, e.g. if you start seeing yourself less agentic, less rational, with more monkey-brain bugs.

I love this so much and Bee (my spouse) and I have started talking about it. Our first question is whether you intend to merge your finances. We think you shouldn't! Because having separate finances means having transferrable utility which puts more powerful and efficient and fair decision/bargaining mechanisms at your disposal.

My next question is why the KS solution vs the Nash solution to the bargaining problem?

But also are you sure the Shapley value doesn't make more sense here? (There's a Hart & Mas-Colell paper that looks relevant.) Either way, this may be drastically simplifiable for the 2-player case.

Thanks so much for sharing this. It's so sweet and nerdy and heart-warming and wonderful! And congratulations!

You and your spouse will each and together be different people 10 years from now. It will be impossible and undesirable to use "[the interpretation] which my [spouse] and I would agree on at the time of our wedding"

I will also never withhold information that [pronoun] would in hindsight prefer to know

This phrasing seems a little strange. Both because the only thing you can actually commit to is never withholding information which you believe that [pronoun] will end up wishing they'd known; but also because the optimal communication policy has some non-zero rate of false negatives.

Everything I do will be according to the policy which is the Kalai-Smorodinski solution to the bargaining problem defined by my [spouse]’s and my own priors and utility functions, with the disagreement point set at the counterfactual in which we did not marry. This policy is deemed to be determined a priori and not a posteriori. That is, it requires us to act as if we made all precommitments that would a priori be beneficial from a Kalai-Smorodinksi bargaining point of view[6] [LW · GW]. Moreover, if I deviate from this policy for any reason then I will return to optimal behavior as soon as possible, while preserving my [spouse]’s a priori expected utility if at all possible

Idk, I have a bad feeling about this, for reasons I attempted to articulate in this post. [AF · GW] The notion of optimal behavior you are using here may in fact be bad, and I question whether the benefits outweigh the costs. What are the benefits exactly? Why use all this specific, concrete decision theory jargon when you can just say "I promise to take my partner's interest (as they judge it, not as I judge it) into account to a significant extent" or something like that. Much more vague, but I think that's a feature not a bug since you have the good faith clause and since you are both nice people who presumably don't have really fucked up notions of good faith.

First of all, this is awesome.

I didn't know about KS bargaining before reading this, thinking through it now... 

It seems kind of odd that terrible solutions like (1000, -10^100) could determine the outcome (I realize they can't be the outcome, but still). I would hesitate to use KS bargaining unless I felt that $Bes{t}_i\left(F\right)$ values were in some sense 'reasonable' outcomes. Do you have a general sense of what a life of maximizing your spouse's utility would look like (and vice versa)? 

Trying to imagine this myself wrt my own partner, figuring out my utility function is a little tricky. The issue is that I think I have some concern for fairness baked in. Like, do I want my partner to do 100% of chores? My reaction is to say 'no, that would be unfair, I don't want to be unfair'. But if you're referencing your utility function in a bargaining procedure to decide what 'fair' is, I don't think that works. So, would I want my partner to do 100% of chores if that were fair? I can simulate that by imagining she offered to do this temporarily as part of a trade or bet and asking myself if I'd consider that a better deal than, say,  her doing 75% of chores. And yes, yes I would. But I'd consider 'she does 100% of chores no matter what, I'm not allowed to help' a worse deal than 'she does 100% of chores unless it becomes too costly to her' for some definitions of 'too costly'.

Assuming that my utility function is like that about most things, and that hers is as well, I'd say our $Bes{t}_i\left(F\right)$ values are actually reasonable counterfactuals to consider. Which inclines me to think yours are as well. 

Still, 'everything I do' is a big solution space to make assumptions about. The Vow of Concord pretty much requires you to look for edge cases where your spouse's utility can be increased by disproportionate sacrifices of yours; I'd suggest you start looking now (if you haven't yet), before you've Vowed to let them guide your decisions.

I would recommend a revision (close to a re-write) of the second vow for four reasons:

First, negotiations theory has progressed past game theory solutions to a more psychologically based methodology.  This approach has been demonstrated to be more effective in two well tested and well studied environments: FBI hostage negotiations (I'd recommend starting with Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss as a light, entertaining but still useful introductory work), and intelligence community asset recruitment. You can look up the transition from the relatively explanatory MICE - money, ideology, compromise, ego - to RASCLS - reciprocity, authority, scarcity, consistency, liking, social proof.  Note that in RASCLS all approaches essentially link to ego, though they may use the other MICE factors to get there.  

Essentially, a lot of the time a dispute isn't about the outcome, but about the process and establishing understanding for respective points of view.  I understand that a less mathematically rigorous approach may at first seem less rational and less desirable.  But ultimately from a utilitarian viewpoint, it's most rational to choose the most effective method, even if that method is less "rational" than an alternate method.

Second, the second vow focuses too much on the target (a KS solution bargain to the disagreement) and too little on the process.  Agreeing on how you will dispute is more important for maintaining concord than how you determine the outcome.  Using a more specific procedure for arguments (especially serious ones) is useful, as it makes both parties know that they will have a fair opportunity to express themselves.  

I would recommend sourcing from debate standards at least for the most serious arguments, possibly recorded so you can both review afterwards (British parliamentary debate rules are quite good, and there are various shortened forms).  But even within the framework of searching for a KS solution, it's important to have a pre-established method of presenting possible solutions, establishing scores for how desirable those solutions are for each party, etc., without further escalating the disagreement.  Essentially some analogue to how facts and evidence can be established in a legal dispute.

Periodic (perhaps weekly) check ins to air grievances and make sure everyone is on the same page can also be useful.

Third, KS systems (like other game theory approaches) are difficult to quantify.  It's hard to assign a dollar value to taking out the trash versus doing the dishes.  Time is a possible approach, but difficult to reconcile with how much you like/dislike an activity.  Accompanying your partner for 30 minutes of listening to screaming metal on full blast may not be equivalent to 30 minutes of manual labor (in either direction).  Adding in a scale of love <-> hate (say, 0-10) that then multiplies by that time is similarly a poor approach because people may prefer a short sharp pain to a longer but milder pain, but absolutely avoid a very short agonizing pain.  Like most approaches that require a useful quantitative score, KS breaks down in the messy (and often inconsistent!) application of preferences.

Fourth, a KS/game-theory negotiations approach to disputes promotes an accounting approach to your relationship.  "You should do X because I did Y..." and so on.  This will provide a constant state of two parties keeping their own track of relative performance, which even without taking into account the likely bias towards their own viewpoints is likely to have fair divergence due to differences in accounting for various actions.  Though small, there will be countless and never ending disagreements and dissatisfaction due to this approach, providing for a grit which will slowly (or not so slowly) erode your relationship.

The exact wording is something you may want to work out with your partner.  It wouldn't be unreasonable to refer to some agreement between you on methods of dispute resolution which can be changed at a later date with both parties' agreement.  But I think you'd find this sort of approach more effective and more rewarding.

Very interesting - and congratulations!

A few thoughts:
It strikes me that the first vow will sometimes conflict with the second. If your idea is that any conflict with the second vow would be a (mild) information hazard, then ok - but I'm not sure what the first vow adds in this case.

Have you considered going meta?:
"I make the set of vows determined by the Kalai-Smorodinski solution to the bargaining problem..."
"...I expect these vows to be something like [original vows go here] but the former description is definitive."

This has the nice upside of automatically catching problems you haven't considered, but not requiring you to be super-human. Specifically, the "Everything I do will be according to the policy..." clause just isn't achievable. Committing to the set of vows such a policy would have you make is achievable (you might not follow them perfectly, but there'd automatically be a balance between achievability and other desiderata).

 "We decided to take marriage vows very seriously", I this this is good, however I think you are making a basic error in what this should mean you have in your vows. I think you are trying to write a specific contract, or a set of programming instructions.

We, as in humans, are poorly defined, barely conscious, irrational, lumps of meat. We are not aware of our own utility functions let alone those of others, especially as they change over time and chaotically in the course of a day. We are unable to follow a precise recipe like the one you have outlined.

I think the only thing you can communicate with your vows is the spirit of your words not their contractual meaning. That's why you often hear in others vows poorly defined meaningless things like "I feel you and I were destined to be together" or "I love you with all of my heart". The words are not the point, nobody remembers them anyway.

I also took my vows seriously, i simply tried to be a bit more concrete that the average set of vows.

I went with:

I vow to mow the lawns, vacuum the floor, clean the bathroom and if the mood strikes, do the dishes
I vow to always do my best to keep you happy, healthy in mind and body and well pampered
I vow to cook for you all sorts of delectable, interesting and marginally sub-lethal dishes
I vow to be there for you when you need me, and far away when you don't
I vow to always attempt to improve myself and help you grow in any direction you so desire
I vow to always give you something to laugh about, a reason to smile
I vow to think
I vow to help
I vow to listen
I vow to love you for the rest of your life

Your vows are very precise and specific and I think intended to be optimal in some sense. Which is cool. It may be that the real world with children and difficult times may make it difficult to even have time to think through all the vows at all times. I think you should have something that accounts for that. I'm not saying something like a buffer for errors but something that compensates for errors on the other side. I think the Vow of Good Faith is doing some work in that direction but it is focussing most on the intended purpose, not on the practicalities of the implementation. I think something like a Vow of Forgiving might be nice which heals any errors if the partner made remediation steps (this is hard to formalize though).

I think modeling yourselves as agents for the purpose of the vows is a good idea. It'll both reinforce agent-like behavior and form a stronger commitment between you and your spouse.

I have a couple of minor quibbles. For the Vow of Honesty I think you should keep the vow as it is in public, but privately commit to full honesty with your husband disregarding agreements with third parties. You should not be bound to keep a secret from your spouse even if it fits under the Vow of Concord and you were sworn by a third party. If you are committed to honesty it should be a full absolute commitment instead of a commitment with a very difficult to achieve exception. But third parties will be less likely to ever share information with you in confidence if you publicly commit to not ever keeping a secret from your spouse. Having a separate public/private vow of honesty gives you the best of both worlds.

I have 2 corrections for this line, "These vows are completely sincere, literal, binding and irrevocable from the moment both of us take the Vows and as long as we both live, or until the marriage is dissolved or until my [spouse]’s unconscionably[2] breaks [pronoun]’s own Vows..." Firstly I think that " 's " is a grammar mistake and it should just read "...or until my [spouse] breaks..." instead.

Also I think that out should be removed even if it's made grammatically correct. Allowing yourself to cancel following your vows because your spouse willfully stopped following theirs is a little dangerous. It leads to situations where you might rather justify your own breach of the vows by pointing to their breach instead of trying to make things right. This is an issue in contracts sometimes where one side wants to be able to prove the other committed a material breach so they have the insurance policy that they can cancel the contract whenever they want to. You would never want to be in a situation where you want your spouse to break their vows so you can feel ok breaking them yourself.

Let me first state, that this is quite inspiring!
Your application to probability is fascinating, and the vows in themselves are inspiring.
I will also like to share that I think about marriage quite a lot, due to my want to have a big family and a healthy family structure - but I cannot help but constantly return to this one statistical fact:

70% of the couples that marry these days (meaning, Millenials and Generation X) are subject to get a divorce within a decade. Moreover, if the couple are in their twenties, the time for the divorce is then reduced to 5 years instead of 10.

*I wanted to inquire, without judgement, how do you reconcile with this fact?

I find myself often talking to potential partners and other men whom are married, and most of the time, if they are 3 years in the marriage they report having struggles like any other couple yet I believe 3 years is just not long enough to reach any conclusion.

*(The art of love is indeed a subtle subject during the technological era, where our primal needs are stimulated constantly from the use of technologies. And I firmly believe that restricting all such technological stimuli can be beneficial to any relationship. Previous generations did not have WhatsApp, and so they missed each other truly. They did not have Instagram, and so they did not lust after things they do not have nor did they constantly focused on what is 'missing' in their life. They did not have facebook or Linkedin, and so they did not spend the time running the rat-race, chasing passions to prove to others a point.)

(Obviously, I generalize here, please bare with me.)